Thinking of trying to navigate the social waters of flitzing while inebriated? Think again, Mr. Frat-anova and Ms. NoSpaces.
This week, I delved deep into the subconscious of the human mind operating while under the influence of alcohol and incredibly ragey hormones.
Here follows my groundbreaking research, in which I have decrypted the subliminal messages behind drunken blitzes through a series of examples:
The "Let's Get Lunch Blitz" Sent at 1 a.m.
From: Johnny B. Bad Date: 22 Apr 2010 1:14:39-0400 Subject: lunch? To: Susie B. Good Reply-To: iwantyou
hey, um. i found our pong game particularly meaningful and insightful. i'd like to wine and dine you at one of our fine eateries on campus. so foco date @ 1pm tmrw? but do you think you could um spot me, i lost my id---end of quote---
Girlfriend, this is code for he wants your body and that he went home alone. While it's nice that he is obviously warm for your form, keep in mind that he also went home alone (or the sex was mind numbingly boring). Just saying, Prince Charming might be a loser
"The Nebulous Let's Hang Out Blitz" Sent in the Wee Hours of an Early Wednesday Morn
From: Hunk O. Man Date: 22 Apr 2010 3:16:41-0400 Subject: hang out To: Susie B. Good Reply-To: chillestdudeattheparty
soon?---end of quote---
As you can clearly see, a lot of foresight and planning went into this blitz. Take comfort in knowing, Susie, he was probably incapable of spelling more. Don't expect too much to materialize from this one, though. Maintain an air of affected nonchalance. That'll get him!
"The Wrong Recipient Blitz" Regrettably Sent to a Faculty MemberFrom: Kyle B. Confused
Date: 22 Apr 2010 1:14:39-0400 Subject: youu wnattttt me To: Susie B. Goood Reply-To: dndnewb
i saw yuo eying me. you knowwwww yuo wnat it. dno't wory id tap me toooo.---end of quote---
Ooh. This is awkward. Unfortunately for Kyle, it just so happens that Susie shares a common DND blitz nickname of "hottie" with a new faculty member in the English Department and in his inebriation, Kyle was not terribly adept in selecting the right Susie.
The plot thickens. Turns out Kyle is currently enrolled in said faculty member's class. There are 13 people in the class. Kyle then changes from an English to an Econ major.
But, the dangers of drunken flitzing have moved far beyond the nefarious realm of the computer-based DND directory. After all, we can shut down our computers before going out. Turning off our smartphones? Not so much. Using said smartphones while inebriated? Highly likely. Sending inappropriate blitzes that seemed SO right at the time? Nine times out of 10. Sometimes, your sent mail folder can look like a war zone of ugly the morning after.
"The I Have A Smartphone So I Should Blitz you Now Even Though I Don't Have Your Number" Sent From My Verizon DrunkberryFrom: Justin I. Phone
Date: 22 Apr 2010 1:14:39-0400 Subject: heytu To: Susie B. Good Reply-To: notasmartmove
ehy! we toOk our smeniar 2getehr. uyo dnce gooood. wnna go to folk?---end of quote---
Upping the playing field of awkward. Allows running commentary on the events of the night comments that would probably be best internalized first. Also thanks to spell check, it allows you to sound like an idiot, suggesting things like folk instead of foco. Thanks, Technology, for remaining easily accessible at my drunken fingertips.
Who knows? Maybe in a few years time, there won't be any need to actually interact with people, we can just bbm each other our true feelings instead.
