As we sat innocently at 6:30 p.m. on Friday eating our pesto pasta special from FoCo (RAGE, we know), we didn't expect anyone to take offense that we were being the drunkest girls in the place (although we were, in fact, sober). "PING...PING," both of our crackberries (yeah, so obnoxious) simultaneously begin to seize on the table. Yes, a blitz! As we scroll up and open what we presume will be an autoreply about Haiti, we find instead a screen shot from a self-proclaimed Bored@Baker aficionado.
Not only were we shocked that being drunk (and again, we were sober) in FoCo was an issue (drunkest Ivy at the party?), but that this site even existed anymore. These drunkest girls were sure that B@B had been effectively taken down by boring Columbia students four months ago. But, like the token drunk girl passed out on the rogue basement couch, B@B has made a comeback.
We decided to investigate who actually posts on B@B and after many hours of pong and Chris Hanson-esque research/investigation, we think we have finally nailed it. We discovered that all B@B posts are being submitted by tiny, malicious, furby-like trollz (yes, spelled with a z).
We imagine right now most of you are wondering: "where and how did they find these trollz?" Well, we obviously got too drunk to actually find or discover anything, but this is the proof we theorize: All Trollz are sketchy. Most B@B post are sketchy.Definition of sketchy: troll-like in nature. If B@B posts are sketchy, they must be written by sketchy individuals.Sketch-ass trollz must write all B@B posts.
We're so smart.
How these trollz see all of the going-ons at Dartmouth from the periodicals we are unsure, but we theorize that there are demitrollz which are able to roam and report back to the periodical head trollz. The hierarchy of trollz is a topic for another column.
We have also concluded that the trollz are especially belligerent because they were denied bids at AGORA, (see B@B, but not really), and have a sexually ambiguous relationship with Linda Gridley. Trollz are also frequent contributors of poignant "Overheards," often blitz out to campus under the guise of the "Dartmouth Feeds / Saves / Helps / Does / Likes / IsCoolWith X" and were responsible for the construction and subsequent fail of last year's snow sculpture.
Real talk with the drunkest girls: trollz are going to exist and they are going to gossip. Just like Dartmouth students are going to continue to take annoying jumping LSA photos, we can't stop it, so we have to learn to accept it. All you can do is avoid them and the periodicals where they reside. Enjoy your life. Play pong, get drunk, hook up, chill on FFB. If these are all crimes then we should all go pa-"trolling" and roast em all. Dartmouth may have a forum for gossip, but just remind yourself that B@B is a virtual reality space dominated by mystical beings. Over and out.
You may take our dignity trollz, but we're too drunk to care.
