Dear Miss Muffin Top, My old flame loves to come back for big weekends. When he returns, should I entertain him?
Reluctant Escort
Dear Escort,
Miss Muffin Top is certain of the universal nature of this particular predicament. Everyone has an old flame who will inevitably show up, and if he contacts you weeks in advance, more likely than not, he is looking to rewind the old videotape.
Just make sure that his primary motive is not to treat you like a hotel, motel Holiday Inn. Ways to tell if you are said hotel? He approaches you at 2:30 a.m., on the lawn of Chi Gam, bottled beer in hand and asks, "So, where are you living these days? Let me walk you there." Alums are persistent sorts, who know very well what lies in store for them on the floor of their former fraternity they have already experienced that nightmare-called-pledge-term. As such, they will go to great lengths to obtain a preferable resting place. One enterprising old flame escorted Miss Muffin Top to her door and, upon realizing she was D-cardless, proceeded to kick it in. Serious. Alumni who have conveniently turned off their moral compasses for big weekends must not be underestimated.
Should you be willing to accept your role as weekend hostess, however, manage your expectations. Running it back can be gratifying: no terrible food court run-ins, g-chatting instead of the one-blitz-wonder and the very-slight ego boost that comes with the knowledge that you are the only girl on campus he still knows. Also, you just might be able to pretend, for one weekend, that you are still the filly that he once corralled in the basement, not that sallow-eyed, coffee chugging, thesis chained nerd you confront in the mirror the 49 other weekends of the year. And this may just be enough.
Miss Muffin Top will leave you with this final parting wisdom: it is important to remember that after your weekend of prancing, your once-beloved is not running back to Soho to hunt for your future love nest. Your past is not your future, and Miss Muffin Top thanks the sweet lord for that.
And for the Dartmouth Coach,Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,I have recently been receiving attention from a former suitor. Times are hard, the winter is long, formal is fast approaching. Should I pull from the bench?
Sickofchatroulette
Dear Ohiamdefinitelynot,
"Hey! Coach! Put me in." On second thought, don't. I'm happy right where I am, next to the Gatorades and the snacks, and oh I'm sorry were those orange slices for halftime? Miss Muffin Top has spent enough hours on the bench to know that there is value to be found deep within the recesses of the roster. Self-call!
Okay, here is what this is. Our college is small, and although we all want to believe that we are entitled to bodies who meet all the standards with which we arrived, there simply aren't that many of them at least, if your ego as astronomically inflated as Miss Muffin Top's. Pffft. Eventually those you wouldn't have considered first-string begin to charm you. Availability is a remarkably charming quality. (At least, in the Winter.) And really, you always liked them, you did!
Now that you are re-considering this option, you will likely forget the reason you stopped in the first place. You will return to his home, his dog's tail will wag in recognition and you will know the way to the bathroom. That is, you will forget until you remember. The myriad benefits will eventually be nullified by your realization that he has, in fact, not changed. (See previous answer in which MMT crushes your Soho fantasies.) Don't kid yourself, this time around small hearts did not bubble up above his head with the sudden realization that you were his Big Green One. More likely, you are convenient for him too.
You are both in agreement about the seriousness of this option, so treat it like a friendly game of pick-up. This isn't the NBA finals. No one likes those anyway.
Play Ball!Miss Muffin Top
