Dear Poppets,
Miss Muffin Top assumes that your winter break was filled with treats, hence the radio silence, the proverbial coal in Miss Muffin Top's gmail stocking. Therefore, in the spirit of this winter season, Miss Muffin Top will consider: The New Year's Resolution. Traditionally, Miss Muffin Top has held that New Year's resolutions are little more than obligatory cocktail party fodder, and in the past her resolve has only lasted until her next drink was poured. But this year, after an entire seminar on the subject of the self, she was determined to be different. Nonetheless, despite her best intentions, Miss Muffin Top has, once again, failed to produce a single worthwhile resolution. For the rest of you more disciplined students, she has loftier expectations. Here are three New Year's suggestions. Take them as canon or, in the spirit of the Pirate Code, consider them guidelines.
1.Stop walking. Stop eating. Stop conversing. While on your blackberry. Seriously.
Miss Muffin Top is a woman read, born multitasker and also, no stranger to addiction. But the campus crackberry problem has really gotten out of control. Miss Muffin Top calls for a collective resolve to limit the use of smart phones publicly and do so instead during your private moments. Though she is about to date herself significantly, Miss Muffin Top remembers being yelled at for walking around campus talking on her (expletive) RAZR. While Miss Muffin Top accepts that the times they-are-a-changin' and that you no more like her diatribe against your crackberry than she did being ridiculed for her skinny cell phone, she cordially requests your full time presence on this campus we all share. Your moms can wait.
- Channel your cabin fever for good. Miss Muffin Top is sad too. It is cold outside. It is dark. Her happy lamp has never looked so dim, her walk up the hill has never felt so steep. And she doesn't know anyone here either. Still, even now, Miss Muffin Top's extremities are warming thinking of all of you she has yet to meet. All of you with the same socially inappropriate energy just bottling up waiting to be released, let the winter of 2010 be a winter of friendships forged from the strangest of circumstances. Use your DASH at Byrne, invite your whole 200 person lecture to your party, build that snow sculpture for PE Credit. You never know who will show up.
3.Use all the time you are now not spending searching your own name on boredatbaker to learn a marketable skill. This will come in handy down the line when you are forced to spend future winters (or, like, this one) re-wording your resume. Recreating Snookie's poof is not a marketable skill. Bartending is one. Upgrade your Zhenka, invest in a shaker, and aloha winter.Mush!Miss Muffin Top
