Miss Muffin Top

by Miss Muffin Top | 11/12/09 11:00pm

Dear Miss Muffin Top,

I am a freshman. I wonder, should I be dressing up for themed parties? I feel like everyone glares at me if I do wear a costume, and also like everyone glares at me if I don't. What is the party dressing etiquette?

Sartorially stumped

Dear Stump,

Dear Old Dartmouth: another column, another costume-related inquiry. You'll never change. Still, Miss Muffin Top is DELIGHTED you asked this question, poppet, because it really is a good one. Here in the woods, hardly a week goes by without an occasion to unload the contents of your roommate's flair bin and ruin the aesthetic of your otherwise pristine one-room double. Here, as requested, are a few rules to live by:

Thou shalt always dress for Gatsby. I don't care who you are, where you're from, what you did. I don't even care about your age. This is a party to which, if you arrive sans costume, you shan't be admitted.

Thou shalt, in every occasion, give the theme a nod. Fiestas like Tackies are designed primarily to exhibit the costumes of the hostesses, but this doesn't mean you put on your best black party top and booties, or your oxford and loafers. You don your neon trucker hat and appear questionably becostumed. This generally applies to parties like 80s, New Year's and TDXmas.

If you want to pass in the basement, do it with appropriate accessories. If you want to dazzle, babygirl, you go ahead and dazzle. Cut open that disco ball and wear it as a skirt, or whatever. Upperclasspeople are crazy, you'll probably make some friends. And everyone could use a few more friends.Shine on,Miss Muffin Top

Dear Miss Muffin Top,I kind of like this one boy, but not that much. I'm not trying to ding him, but I don't want to marry him. How do I get rid of him, sort of?

Ambivalence-R-Us

Dear Ambi(en),

Oh, you put that on the back burner! Doggy bag that boy and save him for later! Miss Muffin Top can't drive stick, but they tell her there is something called shifting gears that you can learn at Ferrari camp. Humph. Luckily, Miss Muffin Top is more than happy to preach what she does not practice in the non-metaphorical sense: in this case, shifting down.

The short answer: switch from phones to blitzes. Texting and calling is fine for when you like a boy, but sends the wrong message if you're just not that into him. Blitzes are impersonal, easily left unopened, or "Oh, like, sometimes I just empty my whole inbox, I'm so popular, it gets so full, I must have missed your message!"

You can also employ Blitz's most underused feature, the vacation message. BlitzMail will auto-reply that you are in New Mexico (he'll never know) and then suddenly, when you want someone to hold your hand at 3 a.m., you are back!

If he asks you out to dinner and you don't want to go, lie like a rug, or maybe, if you are an elder, you won't have to. You are so busy, you are really sad, you'll call him when your 56-page paper is finally done.

The biggest obstacle in shelving boys, Miss Muffin Top has found, is being caught out at night when you said you would not be out. Keep lying! Your roommates poisoned you with four glasses of wine at dinner, and you figured, what the hell? If you are canoodling with someone else when caught in your lie, "Oh, boy! Have you met my good friend so-and-so? He and I used to study chemistry together."

Cultivating jealousy can be helpful later for when you are feeling more desperate. Now and Laters are Miss Muffin Top's favorite candy. She's not a player, she just crush-a-lot.Monkey, get some!

Miss Muffin Top

Submit your social etiquette queries to askmissmuffintop@gmail.com

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