Members of the Class of 2013, your Dartmouth brainwashing is almost over. The carefully designed indoctrination program that you have been undergoing since the first day of DOC Trips will culminate in a pagan-esque ritual involving fire and the chanting of certain ritual recitations on the evening of Friday, Oct. 23. If all goes well, from this point forward, you will forever be loyal Dartmouth devotees, with green blood and all the granite of New Hampshire in your veins.
It's no coincidence that Dartmouth alumni love Dartmouth so excessively. Did you really think that their annual October pilgrimage to Hanover for a weekend of pong and nostalgia was voluntary? Or that Dartmouth students stay in Hanover for the winter because they enjoy braving wind chills of -50 degrees Fahrenheit for a social scene that involves nothing more than smelly basements with sticky floors and an alcoholic version of a game played by 12 year-olds and Chinese Olympians?
Of course not, you cute, naive little freshmen! Upperclassmen and alumni have no choice ... they have to love Dartmouth! And you will too, as soon as you rush the field and touch the fire. If, for some inexplicable reason, blind allegiance isn't your thing, this is your last chance ... get out now, before the subliminal message in College President Jim Kim's Homecoming speech permanently destroys your ability to say anything negative about Dartmouth without having to engage in self-flagellation afterwards. Transfer to Harvard and spend your next four years in the library, posting on Bored@Lamont about what a great college experience you could be having if only you hadn't been such a lame, fun-hating freshman.
Consider yourself warned. For those of you who are curious, your programming began with DOC trips, otherwise known as Operation InDOCtrination. Your trip leaders, while certainly trained in first aid and navigation, had more importantly been schooled in hypnosis and the power of suggestion. Taking you out into the wilderness with a group of randos and a bowel trowel wasn't just a way for you to get to know a couple of your new classmates on a deeper level and build a support system that would ease the transition into college life. The unfamiliar and potentially awkward situation was intended to shatter your mental fortitude and put you in a fragile emotional state, rendering you vulnerable to suggestions that flair is sexy, hygiene is optional and Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift are talented.
With the seeds of these beliefs planted, you returned to campus to find hot showers, flushing toilets and luxuriant mattresses. After four days in the backwoods of New Hampshire, this looked like civilization. There was even a CVS! What more could you possibly want from a college town?
Commence Stage II: Orientation, aka Operation Greeniebriation. It's no coincidence that Dartmouth's orientation period, with pre-orientation included, stretches more than a week. While normal (read: second-rate) colleges often have one-day orientations in the middle of the summer, Dartmouth recognizes orientation's potential for further educational opportunities. What better way to persuade a group of impressionable young adults that a place is totally awesome than to set them loose with copious amounts of free alcohol and dance parties, and no parents or responsibilities?
The trip leader's responsibilities are not over during this stage; his job now is to guide his young and helpless minions to the watering holes. (He must also ensure that every Keystone Light consumed by a freshman contains a special derivative of oxytocin, developed by Dartmouth professors to stimulate the part of the brain responsible for Dartmouth love.) Meanwhile, mandatory speakers hired by the administration to maintain the facade of a legitimate orientation are instructed to include suggestive messages in their presentations. By the time upperclassmen begin returning to campus, freshmen are so enthusiastic about Dartmouth that they pay no attention to embittered seniors who attempt to compromise the indoctrination process because their own programming was not a complete success (the Greek system is great, really!).
Friday is the culmination of over a month of work on the part of students, faculty and administrators alike to make the '13s true believers. Think of it as a giant Bar Mitzvah at which you all become adults in the eyes of the Dartmouth community, complete with the world's largest hora circle dancing around a giant fire. Mazel tov! Or perhaps it more closely resembles a cult initiation rite. Either way, after Homecoming, you will officially be a Hanlover (n): a Dartmouth student or alumni fanatically and unquestioningly devoted to Dartmouth, regardless of temperatures and lack of a real mascot or winning football team. Welcome to the family (read: cult)!
And flu buddies, make sure to bring back a recording of Kim's speech and flaming remnant of the fire for your bed-ridden friends, or else they'll be transferring to the University of Miami as soon as the temperatures drop to -10.
