I think I figured out a solution to the disaster that is the Greek rush system here at Dartmouth: We should just have a fantasy draft.
Before you completely write off the idea, just hear me out. With fantasy football, you have a large pool of players to pick from, and you have a much smaller group of owners, with each competing for the best players possible. With Greek rush, you also have a large pool of possible people to pick from, and a smaller group of houses competing for them. Everyone agrees that a draft is a fair way to figure out fantasy football teams, so how come this idea couldn't be applied to rush?
I know it seems ridiculous at first, but it's really not that far-fetched an idea. Ever seen or read one of the seven Harry Potters? You can't tell me this wouldn't be just as fair, if not even more fair, than using a Sorting Hat.
We could even make it into a big event, like they do at Hogwarts. Would it not be awesome to have everyone in the Greek System meet on the Green, set up a huge stage and basically hold a live draft in front of the school?
Just imagine it. "With the first pick in the 2009 Dartmouth Greek House Draft, Kappa Kappa Gamma selects..." The girl would then walk on stage, shake the Kappa president's hand and pose for a photo, while commentators would grade the pick before the next pick was made. We could even tailgate the event. "Mock drafts" could be performed for weeks beforehand, and heckling and booing bad picks would be strongly encouraged. It would easily be the best day of the year at Dartmouth. Plus, we could even do it twice, one day for each gender.
I admit, clearly my plan has its downsides. Feelings would probably be hurt, friends would be split up and no one would enjoy going 199th overall. But, guess who else went 199th overall in his draft? Some guy named Tom Brady, and now he's considered one of the best draft picks of all time. I'm just saying.
In fact, going late in the draft would have its advantages. If you were picked in the first few rounds, people would expect greatness out of you. If you ended up being a draft bust, people would not be happy. It'd be a similar feeling to how it feels when the cutest girl in the room, after having talked to you for more than an hour, drops the casual reference to her boyfriend. Devastating.
But if, on the other hand, you got drafted late, expectations of you would be pretty low. You would really only need to say a couple of funny things here and there and people would love it. One or two mediocre jokes, and everyone would start calling you a "sleeper" and "the steal of the draft." It'd be kind of similar to how you feel when you hear a funny line in a post-"Big Daddy" Adam Sandler movie. Expectations for his new movies are so low now that if he has just a couple of adequately funny lines, people are more than satisfied with the film.
In truth, implementing my plan would be great for Dartmouth social life as a whole. It would split up different types of people in different houses, so presumably you could have good friends in houses across campus. Instead of always going to the same three or four houses, you could be at a new one every night. It could be monumental for student integration.
We also wouldn't need to take all rights away from the prospective pledges. If they really didn't like a house, they could pull a Crabtree and hold out. Or, if they went through the pledge term and decided it wasn't for them, we could just let them become free agents.
Greek houses wouldn't be totally helpless either. If there was someone they really wanted, they could either trade up for a higher draft pick or make a blockbuster trade. Imagine how much fun it'd be hearing something like, "Dude, did you hear AD just traded John Smith to Chi Gam for two cases, a Billy Bob and a 29th round pick in 2018? I think Chi Gam kinda got screwed in that one."
Finally, just as in fantasy football, each week we could have a waiver wire pick-up system. Let's say one weekend a kid who hadn't entered the draft goes absolutely nuts. He punches a Safety and Security officer, throws up who knows where and wakes up naked lying on a table in the middle of Novack. Wouldn't it be fun if fraternities could put in a waiver for this kid and then anxiously wait to see if their waiver makes it through?
Realistically, the only way this system would work is if everyone just agreed not to take it seriously and to acknowledge that it was a complete joke, so that no one got really upset about it. And it would probably wipe out everything the Greek System is supposed to stand for, like loyalty, or a strong sense of brother/sisterhood. But you have to admit, if no one's feelings got too hurt, it'd be pretty funny. And after all, it works at the one school we'd all rather be attending than this one Hogwarts.
