Dear Miss Muffin Top,
Who the hell are you?
Bissell Babe
Dear Bissell Babe,
You may think Miss Muffin Top is some nobody, or worse, that I'm related to that dreadful cousin who sat on her tuffet eating her curds and whey.
And you wouldn't be entirely wrong.
Miss Muffin Top enjoys dairy almost as much as she enjoys fine wines. She also likes loafing on a nice credenza. But once upon a time, before the kilos and the corkscrews, Miss Muffin Top was a girl of 18, full of promise, showered with attention, and cruising the campus like the slender sylph she was.
Three years later (and 40 pounds heavier), Miss Muffin Top found her newly ample self perched on the bleachers at President Kim's inauguration.
Inspired by the promise of a new year, and prompted by Kim's warm, velvety rhetoric, Miss Muffin Top asked herself: What have I accomplished? What is my passion? How do I learn best?
The answers to these probing questions were troubling at best and nonexistent at worst. Certainly Miss Muffin Top had lived her life to the fullest, as visions of be-sequined 10As, filthy-footed formals, and late-night flights danced through her head but now, a senior woman decidedly at the bottom of the infamous Dartmouth X,' what was her purpose?
As the Korean traditional dancers processed out, Miss Muffin Top took one look at their fabulous hats and realized her true calling: to lead the procession of uninitiated underlings with the same dexterity.
She had, over the years, accrued some feathers in her proverbial cap, some notches on her proverbial bedpost.
From that moment forward, Miss Muffin Top vowed to impart the wisdom of the ages and become the resource she never had.
After all, Miss Muffin Top learns best when teaching others. When she is the lone voice crying out in the wilderness.
And so "Ask Miss Muffin Top" was born in the hope that some day the voice might echo back.
That, my darling Bissell Babe, is the way I are lest the old traditions fail.
Ever Yours,Miss Muffin Top
Dear Miss Muffin Top,
My most promising prospect recently selected on Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" as background music for our extracurricular activities. I was totally turned off.
Is this a deal breaker? Help.
Tuned Out
Dear Tuned Out,
First of all, feel flattered that you are currently starring in your promising prospect's own personal version of a Freddie Prinze Jr. box office smash. While not the most sophisticated of choices, a little Motown is a siren's song compared to the libido crushing hymns Miss Muffin Top has been made to endure in her short, illustrious career.
Miss Muffin Top feels the need to clarify: she has encountered three main types of musical sinners: (1) The well-intentioned tone deaf, (2) the questionably-motivated play boy with a play list, and (3) the universally reviled maestro.
In fact, if your prospect is as promising as you purport, his bad taste in music is forgivable.As long as he doesn't insist that you rave along to his techno-house remix, keep him around and grab that iPod.
Did you find him on the dance floor? If so, you are likely dealing with a creature of category two.
If your prospect has a playlist entitled any of the following: "Make Out Mix," "Night Moves," "Slam City" or "Antiques Roadshow," buyer beware.
He is definitely a category two. We've moved out of the realm of Prinze Charming into the realm of Russell Brand. This prospect has had some practice and like the Soulja boy, he sounds like a one-hit wonder.
But, the populations of categories one and two can be reformed rather simply: Take charge. Just because the movies have a soundtrack doesn't mean your bedroom must. Press mute and press on.
Some musical sins, however, are unforgivable.
When Miss Muffin Top was a fresh young cupcake, she had the particular misfortune of a less than chivalrous trip leader. One night her would-be campus guide extended an ostensibly innocuous invitation to listen to his newly burned "Trippee Mix."
Before you could say "Salty Dog Rag," Miss Muffin Top found herself in a position many before her have "Blamed on the Moonlight."
The lesson, poppet, is that when musical sin reveals clear evidence of the cad within, drop it like it's hot.
For now, cut your soulful sweetheart some slack. He's a category one until proven otherwise.
Ever yours in harmony and dissonance,
Miss Muffin Top