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The Dartmouth
July 15, 2025 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

ROLLIN' WITH DOLAN: Living the dream

There are three things that any average sports fan has probably confidently claimed at some point in his or her life. The first is, "I could have made that catch!" The second is, "I just said that! I could be a commentator," and the third is, "So-and-So is an idiot, I could manage this team better than him."

The first is probably not true and none of us will ever have the chance to prove it anyway. Maybe some people could be decent commentators, but consider this have you ever found yourself in an awkward conversation and completely run out of stuff to say? Imagine not being able to run away, sip your drink or try making out with the person. You'd be helpless. When a commentator runs out of stuff to say, he just has to keep talking and anything dumb he says plays on national television. I think it's much harder than it looks. Unlike the other two claims, however, proving you could manage a professional team has actually become a possibility in the past 10 years, thanks to fantasy football.

Fantasy football is an online game in which "owners" create teams of actual NFL players and score points based on how their players perform. As owners have total control over their teams and decisions like who to play and for whom to trade, it feels like they actually own their teams. And just like a professional football team, managing a fantasy football team begins in the pre-season. Even though the NFL season doesn't start for another month, anyone interested in playing fantasy football this year should begin getting ready now.

The first step in fantasy football is to find a group, usually consisting of 10 to 14 people, with whom to create a league. Any avid fantasy owner knows that is not always a simple task. A good candidate to join a league must have three characteristics. First, he or she obviously must be knowledgeable about players in the NFL. That person also must love talking smack and should not be weak-hearted. If you're offended by a friend, or even a family member, telling you that he's "going to make you wish you were never born," fantasy might not be for you. Finally, a potential league member must be willing to stay committed to managing the team throughout the entire year. A general rule of thumb is that if a potential owner is the type of person who might say something as ridiculous as, "I can't talk about fantasy now, I have two finals tomorrow," then that person probably doesn't have what it takes. As Dale Doback John C. Reilly's character in the hugely underrated film, "Step Brothers" notes, fantasy managing is a full-time job. Good league members should always care about their team, and losing on any given Sunday should ruin their day, maybe their week.

After finding a group of people with whom to create a league, you next have to come up with a team name. This step cannot be overlooked. Nothing commands respect like a funny, football-related pun as a team name. A few of the better ones I have seen "My Vick In A Box," "Romosexual Tendencies," "Greatest Show on Paper," "Plaxidental Shooting" and "Favre's Flip Flops." Names referencing genitals are also usually held in the highest regard.

The next step is the draft. Owners select players based on how they think those players will do in the upcoming season, usually after too much research. These picks will make or break an owner's fantasy season. Almost nothing is certain in a draft, except for maybe two things. Many picks will be heavily ridiculed by "smarter" owners, and after the draft, every single owner will be convinced he or she has by far the best team. Other highly likely occurrences during the draft include rookies being selected way too early, at least five people calling one of their picks a "sleeper" a term to describe a great late-round pick and if there is a player suspended for the entire year, someone thinking it's hilarious to draft him. Usually this person is the group's "Farva," like the character from the film "Super Troopers."

After the draft, owners can continue to manage their teams by deciding whom to play, making trades and picking up free agents. In terms of starting a team, however, finding people with whom to play, coming up with a team name and having the draft are the essentials. As anyone previously unfamiliar with the game can see, August is a big month for fantasy football. At this time, the excuse "I have a fantasy draft today," is a perfectly legitimate reason not to go to a wide variety of events, including a dinner, a party, work and a funeral for a not top-30 person.