Dartmouth's campus is so small that every step out of the way is a mile, and that mile is doubled when you're drunk, impatient to get somewhere, cold, or all three. Though the last two options are not likely to happen in the middle of this heat wave we're experiencing, there is too much to do in these last weeks of sophomore summer to waste any extra time walking. We need to savor every second.
So to help out all you lazy or super-busy and important people, I conducted an experiment to find the shortest walkways in between important destinations around campus. Consider this my lab distributive.
Obviously this was all done with the highest level of scientific accuracy plus or minus and added bounce from a particularly good song, the effects of the sun and a "stop-and-chat" or two. Noon was also probably the wrong time to choose to walk all around campus. And as for the times themselves yeah Mr. Athlete, I'm sure you do that walk twice as fast on the daily. I may have dropped a P.E. class or two this summer, let's not judge. From Frat Row to AD or Heorot, three ways:
(Measured from sidewalk in front of Tabard to in between AD/Heorot, you can plus or minus a few seconds for your favorite hangout.)
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Walk through Novack, past SAE and Wilder, down the steps of the Fayerweathers to the back of both houses. Time: 7 minutes, 3 seconds. Pluses: Stops in Novack possible for snacks from Caf (if open), vending machines (always), bathroom and Blitz breaks, as well as opportunities to annoy any friends who may be in the library. Minuses: Every activity listed above always ends up adding on a ridiculous amount of time.
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Walk diagonally across Green, then down East Wheelock street. Time: 8 minutes, 14 seconds. Pluses: Possible stop at Collis Late Night, getting refreshingly misted by the sprinklers. Minuses: Possible stop by Hanover Police, Safety and Security, getting accidentally soaked by the sprinklers. Also the slowest route.
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Walk along the top part of the Green (by Baker) and then through the Fayerweathers.Time: 6 minutes, 39 seconds. (WINNER)Pluses: Surprisingly, the shortest route, by a decisive margin of 24 seconds. Minuses: H-Po still a possibility.
From Collis porch to Ledyard docks, two ways: (Measured from a central table to the docks themselves.) 1. Through Tuck Mall: Time: 10 minutes, 29 seconds. Pluses: Pretty pathway through the trees, on the way for most dorms/Greek houses. Minuses: Not convenient for my house.
- Down West Wheelock street: Time: 11 minutes, 39 seconds. (CIRCUMSTANTIAL WINNER)
Pluses: I walked this one uphill, so in my book it's definitely faster. The fight against gravity equals more than a minute and ten seconds of extra time. Plus all those living off-campus can stop off at home to pick up a bathing suit, namely me. Sweet.
Minuses: All those weird people that honk while you're just trying to walk to/home from the river. A bathing suit with sandals is clearly an appropriate amount of clothing for West Wheelock Street in the summer. Lay off me.
