Dear Carol,
I've heard that this year's snow sculpture, potentially large enough for a midnight rendezvous, will present the opportunity to experience one of the "Dartmouth Seven" in a Winter Wonderland. As I've always said, "Carpe diem, especially in the bedroom!" I would love to take advantage of this limited-time offer, but I'm a little concerned about the threat of frostbite near my nether regions. I'm also thinking hypothermia is a distinct possibility. How can I avoid these health hazards while still making use of all Dartmouth has to offer?
Thanks,
Fearing Frostbitten Fornication
Dear Fornication,
Congratulations -- you've officially given a new meaning to the "Queen" of Winter Carnival! Be aware, however, that there's some debate over whether or not this year's snow sculpture is a valid inclusion in the Seven (see Point/Counterpoint). Also keep in mind that you might have to fight off the entire DOC for the chance to knock this member of the Seven off your list. But should you find yourself alone in the ice sculpture with a certain someone, Wikipedia recommends shelter (done -- ice sculptures count), increased physical activity (easy, that's why you're there in the first place, and extra clothing including hats, gloves, and socks (all doable... the only hard part might be the snow pants). Also, you'll have to forgo cuddling afterwards in favor of finding a warmer space. Might I recommend the Top of the Hop? Close proximity and the added bonus of knocking off another of the ever-evasive Dartmouth Seven! Finally, Wikipedia also claims "the initial stages of frostbite are sometimes called 'frostnip.'" If nothing else, please try to avoid giving "frostnip" a more literal translation. Here's a thought: what do you think the crotch flap on a onesie is for? All the fun while providing a wealth of protection from the elements!
Yo Carol,
The first moment I saw Blonde Skier cruisin' past me on the Green clad in only a teeny bikini, I knew I wanted to get with her. The Registrar was on my side, too, when we ended up in the same Chem 5 class. So I finally get up the nerve to talk to her and she tells me she is on the cross-country team. In order to play it cool, of course, I played dumb. "Oh, yeah? That's sweet, I didn't know you ski!" And once I opened my mouth, I couldn't stop talking. I told her I had been skiing all my life (false), and she was so pumped that she asked me to go downhill skiing with her during Winter Carnival. I agreed as soon as I stopped drooling. Then I remembered that I've never even touched a pair of skis, despite having just spent half of Chem lab bragging about the diamond runs I make every year in Colorado. How can I avoid making a fool of myself in front of the girl of my Winter term dreams?
Thanks,
Black Diamonds Aren't a Guy's Best Friend
Dear Diamonds,
Haven't you ever seen Saved by the Bell? This story is so overdone that it's practically an archetype. Here's how it goes: Boy and Girl go skiing (or do any sort of activity that requires a certain level of skill -- you choose). Girl glides effortlessly down the mountain, beckoning for Boy to follow. Boy plunges down the mountain having a glorious run for the first ten seconds, trips over himself, and falls the rest of the way (possibly creating an avalanche). After making sure Boy is still breathing, Girl confronts Boy, demanding to know if he has ever actually been skiing before. Boy is defeated until Girl finds his lies charming and his lack of skiing ability endearing. They are now no longer cold during the long winter nights.
You're golden, kid!
Keeping it real and not-so-platonic,
Carol
