So come on, you know you have some free time on your hands, and what else are you going to do with it? Finish your readings for Classics 4? Psh. You're a Dartmouth kid. It's 85 degrees outside. And you need to pour some idiot-box ice cream on your brain in the form of something other than Family Guy and Law & Order.
"America's Got Talent:" Exactly two weeks ago on June 17, this hugely popular reality talent show commenced its third season. And, as has become expected of what is essentially the summer's version of "American Idol," there were strange acts, sob stories and endearing weirdos aplenty. From an all-smiles tap-dancing octogenarian to an alarmingly convincing male Britney impersonator to an adorable four-year-old kid who "sang" the theme of sibling separation made famous by Steven Spielberg's unforgettable Fievel Mouskewitz stories, America's Got Talent is the epitome of relentlessly endearing and delectably awful reality television. So why do I recommend it? Because -- it has tap-dancing old people and drag queen pop star impersonators and really cute toddlers! Were you not paying attention?
Spearheaded by the irrepressible triumvirate of David Hasselhoff, Piers "Simon Cowell" Morgan and the sweetly maternal Sharon Osbourne, "Talent" is the runaway champion of summertime Thursday night ratings, trouncing FOX's "So You Think You Can Dance" and its many derivative dance shows.
Somehow, "Talent" manages to charm as much with its inanity as with its variety: whereas the all-too-familiar cultural juggernaut "American Idol" chiefly concerns itself with polished pipes and comely crooners, "Talent" eagerly opens its arms for all manner of performers. Singers, dancers, comedians, magicians, instrumentalists, impressionists, contortionists and martial artists can all take the stage and bathe in the spotlight of an any-skill free-for-all. Last year's winner, Terry Fator the "Human Jukebox," was a ventriloquist -- half of his act was talking in the voice of Kermit the Frog. So, it's refreshing to note that America is finally realizing that legitimate gifts aside from half-heartedly mimicking Celine Dion and Whitney Houston exist in this world.
"America's Got Talent" airs on Tuesdays at 9 p.m. on NBC.
"Project Runway:" You know what's fierce? Like, uber-fierce? The fact that in a little over a fortnight, the newest season of the Peabody award-winning series "Project Runway" will be making its resplendently chic Bravo premiere. Oh, superficial-but-lovable designers, how I've missed your flat-ironed hair and overly philosophical tattoos! "Project Runway," allow me to lightly side-kiss both of your cheeks in daintily exuberant greeting. I am so ready for you. (Sorry.)
Once again, we get to watch as a handful of talented hopefuls compete for the fashion opportunity of a lifetime: the chance to have their original creations -- all designed under restrictions of time limit, budget and theme -- praised and sometimes (metaphorically) torn to shreds by industry legends like Tommy Hilfiger, Donna Karan and Vera Wang. And, once again, we're going to be treated to a bevy of psychological meltdowns, no less than two entirely unexpected exits, at least one haughty wunderkind and a self-proclaimed villain to subtly mind-screw with everyone by way of veiled insults and shameless rule-stretching.
"What else is there to watch?" asks sparkling model-turned-hostess Heidi Klum in an online promotional video, which bills the series' upcoming block of episodes as the "Fifth Season of Fabulous."
A frequent criticism of "Runway" is that it's just one of dozens of reality contests presently over-saturing the television ether. However, for viewers who enjoy authentic competition that's buoyed by undeniable talent and outlandish personalities, no show could possibly be better.
"I want and expect this season of 'Project Runway' to top the ferociousness of Christian Siriano," Jennifer Gaudette '10, a long-time fan of the show, said, referring to last season's winner who single-handedly birthed countless trendy catchphrases. "'Project Runway' should be in great shape for the summer T.V. season. I'll definitely be watching."
Which stylish up-and-comer will earn the right to join the crme de la crme of clothing haute couture? You'll have to tune in to find out. After all, the only thing sharper than the scissors these guys use are the claws they scratch each others' eyes out with.
"Project Runway's" fifth season begins Wednesday July 16 in a brand-new 9 p.m. time slot.
"I Love the New Millenium:" Just when you thought VH1 couldn't get any more nostalgic, they up the ante and squeeze yet another "I Love the [Insert Decade]" entry into their addictive, time capsule series.
Only thing is that this time around, instead of talking about beanie babies or Captain Planet or Marcia Brady -- you know, things we wish we didn't like but can pretend we don't thanks to the fact they're from, like, a bajillion years ago -- the sardonic culture gurus guide us through a re-examination of such marvels as the masked Burger King Head mascot, the R. Kelly sex tape, the Tom Cruise couch-surfing incident and the magic joy that is Chris Hansen and his uncanny ability to capure sweaty, balding predators.
Oh, and of course they have plenty to say about "Brokeback Mountain."
And "A Night in Paris."
So far, the comic genius (and I somehow use that term sarcastically and seriously at the same time) can only go up to the year 2007. But rest assured -- that's seven years of some intense, retrospective pondering.
What would this sick, technologically dependent world be like without its cache of iPods? What would have become of reality talent competitions as whole if one Mr. William Heung had not boldly performed his rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs"? What manner of hope would clinically depresed, self-mutilating, bulimic heroine-users have of succeeding in the music industry if not for Amy Winehouse?
In order to discover the answers to all of these post-Y2K, half-rhetorical questions, you'll have to catch the brand-new series during one of its many afternoon three-hour blocks.
Believe me -- the Geico cavemen would want you to.
