For as long as I can remember, I've been completely obsessed with breasts. While the average four-year old will occupy herself with drawing Picasso renditions of lopsided trees, my kindergarten portfolio consisted of disjointed stick figures distinguished only by a massive pair of ta-tas. And while your typical child asks for ponies and shiny pink Barbie jeeps for Christmas, my list always consisted of one item: boobs. When will mine grow? Will it happen overnight? All at once? Will I get big ones or small ones?
So given I was a little psychologically unstable, maybe requiring years of intensive therapy and a pair of silicone-based enhancers at eighth grade prom (until one self-combusted, thus resulting in the plummet of my middle school social ranking), but were these early obsessions really so abnormal? Even at the age of four, I knew boobs served some sort of integral cultural purpose that I couldn't quite grasp. Unknowingly, I had already been brainwashed by an onslaught of hypersexualized breasts seen everywhere -- in books, magazines and popular shows watched on the, to be quite literal, boobtube.
What is it with our society's obsession with breasts? No more than an oversized gland embedded with fat, the average female breast weighs a mere 0.4 percent of the total body weight, yet it occupies a disproportionately large amount of our attention. And in no other instance in the animal kingdom do we observe the glorification of the breast, teat, nipple or what have you; nay, this tit-illating obsession confines itself solely to the human species. The word "breast" arguably has more synonyms than any other word in the English language -- boobies, fun bags, melons, lemons, humps, twins, girls, hooters, tits, jugs, bazongas, knockers, bazookas, ta tas, puppies, dirty pillows, coconuts, titties and ding dongs, to name just a few.
This boobaphilia is hardly a new phenomenon either. The idealization of breasts dates back to the pre-Egyptian era, where our "bazookas" were conceived as givers of power or life. The dawn of the French Revolution heralded an age of the eroticized, voluptuous chest -- a patriotic image that would become linked with the radical ideals of the new republic. Trends in fashion also developed abreast this newfound iconic anatomy, with bust-enhancing corsets taking flight throughout Western Europe. With the advent of cosmetic surgery in the late 19th century, the intense scrutiny and social pressure exerted on young women was once again directed at the breasts. In 2006, breast augmentation surgeries were the most common surgical procedure conducted in the United States, with an estimated 329,000 boob jobs performed in that year alone.
In today's megalomaniacal media, bigger breasted women are often portrayed as hypersexual, and this idea has stretched far into the veins of our society. It's difficult to conjure mental images of some of our most idolized sex symbols without focusing on their spectacular cleavage: Marilyn Monroe, Britney Spears, Carmen Electra, even Betty Boop. Yet while bigger may be better by the media's standards, do all men actually prefer larger breasts?
When an informal survey was conducted on Dartmouth men's preferences in breast size, nearly all of interviewees admitted to liking medium-sized breasts the most -- not too big and not too small. From my personal experience, women (aspiring models and porn stars excluded) tend to desire the same thing. Plastic-Surgery.net reports that the most popular surgery performed in the United States is the enhancement from an A-cup to a C-cup. While breast augmentations may still take the lead in surgerical procedures, breast reductions are at an all-time high and still rising, with an estimated 114,000 of these procedures performed in 2006.
Given the amount of time and money that the American populace expends on boobs, whether amplifying, reducing or simply ogling, it is surprising how often our "fun bags" get shortchanged in the bedroom. Dr. Pat Meititz, renowned mammarologist, says that the most common male misconception about the breast is that most women enjoy being groped.
"I can understand the tendency confuse the breast with a stress ball or a doorknob -- all feel remarkably similar," she said. "But it is important to respect their separate, unique functions." Caressing breasts cannot typically induce female orgasm, and "sucking" them, or having them suckled on, can be an awkward experience for both parties. While breasts are most certainly erogenous zones, rich with nerve endings that elicit a sexual response when stimulated properly, they are often given way too much oral attention.
A further misconception, according to Meititz, is that the erect nipple is a surefire sign of aroused libido. This is simply not the case. Nipples become erect for a variety of reasons including temperature fluctuation, nervousness, and most commonly, irritation. "Female nipples are not penises." Meitiz said. "Just because my nipple's erect doesn't mean I'm interested."
While on the screen it seems that supersizing is the way to go, in the bedroom less is generally more. "My last [sexual partner] used to spend almost 30 minutes per breast," Meititz recalls with a shudder. "I would be forced leave the television on and watch re-runs of Days of Our Lives until he was finished. I mean, come on!"
Sandra is a staff writer for The Mirror. She met Pat on spring break in Boca Raton.
