There's always a lot of talk about equating people who are "pro-choice" with being "pro-abortion," or people who support capital punishment with being "pro-death." When it comes to families, there's no such equation. Everyone is simply "pro-family." Politicians of every shape and size run around kissing babies and passing laws "for the children," who are undoubtedly "the future of America!" And other such painfully obvious things.
In the capitalistic interest of competition, I'd just like to come out and say that I am "anti-children." Frankly, they're ruining America, and something must be done to stop them.
If you're unconvinced, just take a look back at the passage and signing of the No Child Left Behind Act. As the nation gradually became aware of the plight of struggling children in disadvantaged situations, America's more astute citizens began to aggressively lobby Congress for a federal solution.
Obviously no politician in his or her right mind would refuse to help poor, defenseless children, so both parties miraculously came together and produced the act we know today. To judge our government by its own standards, I think it's safe to say that No Child Left Behind has done as much for America's students as the USA Patriot Act has done for civil liberties.
The act was such a grandiose failure because of the hysteria created by the 'concerned' citizens, compounded by the fact that the politicians actually responded to it. Apparently we're fine blissfully ignoring the fact that the average adult mind is shrinking while the waistline expands, but the moment that the average child fails to meet some expectation or ceases to improve academically, we fall into this wild frenzy that will not cease until something -- anything -- is done to stop it.
This is exactly what happened with No Child Left Behind. People demanded a solution, and Congress delivered in a way that would get the people off its back. A bill was rushed through the legislature and into the law books with little concern for whether or not it would alleviate the problems running amok in our education system. The government was rescuing the children and that's all that mattered.
Did we learn our lesson? Apparently not.
On his presidential campaign website, Senator John McCain lists his stances on issues concerning children on a page labeled "Human Dignity." Perhaps it's just my Model United Nations experience talking, but I figured this page would deal with issues such as genocide and torture -- things that affected basic, universal human rights as opposed to school-aged Americans. To add to my dismay, I happened upon a particularly gallant statement: "The innocence of childhood provides hope for the future and refreshes and restores the ideals of this great country."
This is the hysteria I'm speaking of. With such flowery, poetic language, we've created this romantic conception of childhood as the source of all that is good. Children are like faultless, innocent nymphs who prance about sprinkling happiness wherever they go. Those vile devils who are demented enough to harm something so pure (whether the threats they present are genuine or not) are plain-as-day enemies of society. Soon, it doesn't matter how it's done -- the only thing that matters is that chivalrous knights like Senator McCain are working to stop these forces of evil.
I don't think I'm asking for much here; all I want is for politicians to stop pandering to the supposed interests of children to enhance their platforms. All I'm asking is that we start reforming the education system "for the children" by taking a deep breath and taking steps that will actually solve the problems. Until then, I'm against children for the harm they are inadvertently inciting our nation to inflict on itself. I'm against children for the inexcusable ways they make their parents behave.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a public service announcement to make: Attention all politicians within earshot! On behalf of all rational people, I'm going to have to ask that you carefully return that baby to its parents and slowly resume stumping on your policies. We're all very impressed that you possess the minimal motor control of your facial muscles required to kiss an infant, but it really has nothing to do with your platform. Go back to Washington, and do your job.