If you've had enough of watching and hearing about primaries, and playoff games, I hereby invite you into the delectably commercialized microcosm of America's favorite karaoke show.
Last Tuesday and Wednesday "American Idol" christened its newest season in much the same way it ended its last -- with lots of drama, lots of weirdos and lots of ratings.
Yep, it's that time of year again. Flanked by thousands of ecstatic hopefuls who ranged from dime-a-dozen to diva, a spry-looking Ryan Seacrest delivered the four magical words we reality TV junkies have been dreaming about for seven months: "This is American Idol!"
Oh, where does the time go? It seems like only yesterday we were entrenched in the madness of Season 6, decrying whilst enjoying beatboxing maniacs, behemoth underage divas and Italian-Indian ponyhawked sensations.
But as any avid Idol fan can tell you, Season 6 actually left a lot to be desired. There were more contrived specials for hot-button causes than you could shake a tired stick at. The worst of the controversies (risque shake-ups being what every Idolizer secretly looks forward to) involved a talentless no-name making sexy face on the loo.
On top of all of that, the dearth of talent in last year's Top Twelve was only exacerbated by the endless stream of legendary guests like Barry Gibb and Tony Bennett. It seemed as if 2007 saw the lucrative ratings heavyweight finally exhaust its routine with the public.
Of course, this was not something lost on the show's executive producer Nigel Lythgoe and its franchise judge Simon Cowell, who both appear to be willing to tweak the beloved competition just a tad for Season 7.
While Lythgoe conceded that not sufficiently spotlighting the contestants' back stories was the primary "mistake" of Season 6 -- such emphasis being the only way viewers can connect to the people they're supposed to vote for -- the ever-lovable Simon attributed last season's shortcomings to a lapse in focus on the fundamentals, such as aesthetics and pure entertainment value.
"The most important thing is the show has got to look better," Cowell said in a news conference. "It's got to be more fun, and if it is, I think more people will watch."
There is media buzz that one of the tactics Idol may employ to create this atmosphere of "more fun" is to let crooners who are brave enough audition with musical instruments, something that is common practice on Canadian Idol, Norwegian Idol and Australian Idol.
But there is no need to fear, you former Soul Patrollers, Fanjayas and contractors of McPheever. If last week's pre-taped auditions of Philadelphia and Dallas are any indication, "American Idol's" 33 million-plus viewers are set for a plenty interesting ride with Season 7.
As usual, memorable moments abounded. There was Southern gentleman James Lewis, who belted out soulful spirituals so poorly that Randy Jackson convulsed in hysterics while the normally sensitive Paula Abdul couldn't help but unleash a giggle-snort; there was the glittery Alexis Cohen, whose vocals the trio generously deemed worthy of a '60s cover band and whose looks Simon compared to those of Willem Dafoe; there was a ridiculously bitter Princess Leia imitator, a 16-year-old female middle linebacker, a man who agreed to wax his forest of body hair on camera, a Paula devotee who wrote a poem cleverly rhyming every end-word with "stalker," and a virginal Egyptian who expressed a sincere desire "to love a woman from her hair to her nipple."
"The first few episodes are hilarious because of all of the random people that show up and think they are the best singers in the country," Courtney Dwyer '11 said.
But for that very reason Zachary Stolzenberg '11 avoids watching the auditions phase. "I've watched every season of the show, [but] I enjoy watching the later rounds much more than the early rounds," he said. "I would rather listen to the talented singers."
Actually though, there were a few stand-out performances amidst the wreckage. In fact, if I were a gambling gal, I'd put money down that the sweet Kristy Lee Cook and the powerful Junot Joyner will be sticking around for quite awhile. Cook could be this year's Melinda Doolittle; that is, the semi-professional whose polished pitch puts all others to shame (and once again makes us wonder the fairness of pitting semi-pros against true amateurs).
Joyner, on the other hand, wowed the judges with a straightforward gem of easy listening that left Simon, for once, totally speechless.
As for third place, that spot is still up for grabs by any of the ten or so other contestants who proved they could carry a tune, such as spot-on Britney impersonator Kady Malloy, gimmicky wedding singer Angela Martin and imminent teen heartthrob Colton Swon.
In any event, here's hoping America is ready for its annual four-month dose of stoic lullabies and shrieky ballads. Miami, San Diego and Atlanta are among the next stops on Idol's tour for talent, and chronicling the show in practically real time are the users of YouTube -- so if you missed last week's performances (or just want to see the obligatory obscene anti-Simon rant), go online to get your fill
American Idol airs on FOX every Tuesday and Wednesday at 8 p.m.
