It is nary fall, and this past summer's fiery feuds of gender-oriented frat combatants, demagogue trustees and a lottery for Democratic primary debate tickets are fresh in our hearts and minds.
But perhaps a more light-hearted analysis of Dartmouth's battleground political scene will help temper the pugnacious mindsets of Her bra-burning liberals; mint julep-sipping, bow-tied conservatives like Niral Shah '08; and Tim Andreadis '07's ghost, which haunts the Dartmouth Hall lawn. (They say on quiet nights, whenever someone somewhere gets offended, you can still hear his voice, echoing in the darkness, rallying against hatred.)
And so I bring you the last of the one part series, the "Gottlieb Roundup." I should probably pick a less Jewish name for mass market appeal.
The first event of note was Theta Delta Chi fraternity's clash with the ladies of Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority. Apparently, when the sisters arrived to not play pong at not a fraternity basement not carrying 180 ice-brewed 'stones, the Theta Delt brethren sexist-ly slurred them like a bunch of pre-suffrage era white male landowners (wait a second ... sorry, I was thinking of Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity).
The hilarity of the argument lay in the Kappas' inability to officially say why they were there at the time (presumably some illegal drinking activities), while the Theta Delt president quickly absolved himself of responsibility for the incident. According to his much-quoted e-mail, he was busy typing up several poorly-worded letters of defense to administrators, which he subsequently threw at Kappa girls.
Pundits jumped to the aid of both parties, eventually ballooning the issue into another debate about gender sensitivity. (Can't these people just stop being such girly girl pansies and take it like men, just for once?)
But some might inquire, "Zach, isn't Dartmouth's gender divide a seminal issue, one which Student Body President Travis Green '08 must address this coming year?" Perhaps. But, as all the girls agree, he will most certainly put the "body" in student body. An Aryan Adonis, he is.
Soon after the gender battle lost steam, the Board of Trustees decided to take republican theory for what it's worth. To consolidate its sovereignty, the Board decided to add more hand-picked trustees, clearly upset after more conservative petition nominees somehow got elected. Yes, our "The Board" perfected the art of cronyism using our federal executive branch as an admirable precedent.
Eventually, this may lead to an abolishment of the Greek system and less undergraduate attention in an effort to promote research. After 100 years of success as a small, caring College, Dartmouth University will soon house only inaccessible professors who don't give a damn about us, but are famous for their research. The recent hiring of Dean Vernon Wormer to replace former Dean of Admissions Karl Furstenberg was considered by many to be the last straw (DELLLLTAAA HOOOOUUUSSSSEEE!).
And while students and alumni mumbled futile vows at the administrative untouchables, the debate lottery graced our blitz boxes with rejection letters. "It's a wonderful way for Dartmouth students to see the political process in action," said some bureaucrat. Surely watching the debate on TV in Leede Arena is bringing us close to the action. And you know who took up all the seats in Spaulding for the debate? All of the newly Board-appointed Dartmouth trustees. Zing.
The only candidate who we will be able to even meet is Dennis Kucinich, but I mean, he's so desperate that he'd lick honey off your thighs for a single vote. Thoroughly.
To optimistically conclude, Dartmouth students and faculty certainly have something to complain about. And ultimately, this is the best way to know that the Dartmouth we love is as healthy as ever. Only when there is political unrest, hatred and gender debate is the College on the hill (or should I say pill -- mood swings!) really itself.
Looking back a whole year, I cannot remember a time when a hot issue hasn't bombarded the campus with the excitement of something new to be pissed about. And that's why there's an opinion section in The Dartmouth to provide poorly researched articles about said issues. I'm looking at you, Claire Murray '10.
And ultimately, like all of their predecessors, each argument will soon fade into obscurity -- an ephemeral flash in the pan -- faster than frat brothers will be kicking freshmen out of bed so that they can get some "damn sleep."
It feels good to be back.
Welcome home, friends, welcome home.
