Having witnessed the farcical antics of this year's Student Assembly, Dartmouth students are treating the upcoming presidential elections with their annual surge of relentless cynicism. Maybe more cynicism than usual: We have always cracked that there is nothing at stake in these elections but the candidates' resumes, but this year we actually mean it. And it is true: Student Assembly is such a nonentity that even if the candidates did have serious platforms, it would be powerless to institute them. For those of us disillusioned with the irrelevance of the whole joke, there is a solution. The best way to change something is to make an utter mockery of it. I urge you to cast a write-in vote for Stephen Colbert for Student Body President.
Let's review the establishment candidates.
Jaromy Siporen '08: "On Day One, Everything Changes." I suppose on day two there will be nothing left to change. You can rest assured Siporen will keep this promise, because he said so himself: "I will not make campaign promises I cannot keep." Siporen certainly has reform on his mind, especially since he leveraged his power as Assembly parliamentarian to actively oppose a promising reform movement this winter. In its place, he helped install a sluggish "task force" that has accomplished, to date, no reform whatsoever.
Siporen is not the only aspiring politician on the Siporen campaign. I asked a freshman friend who is campaigning for Siporen why he is doing so. Specifically, I asked him to confirm what we both knew -- that he is working for Siporen to rise on his coattails, to secure a comfortable committee chairmanship next year if he wins. The freshman replied, with a chuckle, "Why would I admit that?"
Travis Green '08's ideas for reform are not better. Apparently, Green will "immediately address SA's two primary flaws: its internal focus and the student body's lack of respect for it." I question why Green sees the second of these as a flaw. Indeed, that Dartmouth students do not respect the Assembly confirms that they recognize its real flaw: that it is a self-aggrandizing patronage machine that, according to Siporen, spent a third of its budget this year on pizza for its executive meetings. But I suppose that is not a flaw to Green -- he eats the pizza.
My favorite statement in Carlos Mejia '08's campaign platform is this: "$300 to watch TV in your dorm room is outrageous." That is laughable. The College, as an educational institution, has no obligation to provide students with any television at all. It does so anyway, out of great generosity -- free through DarTV, not to mention televisions in common social spaces. Complaining that the College doesn't provide perfect television service is like complaining that it doesn't provide enough free back massages. Mejia, grow up.
Nova Robinson's candidacy recalls the high school days when student government elections were popularity contests. Robinson does have innovative ideas for the Assembly, but I would not say they constitute a "platform." Use of the word "platform" would imply that Robinson seeks to make the ideas central to her campaign, but that does not appear to be her intention. On neither her posters nor her Facebook group has Robinson chosen to advertise her ideas -- instead, she publishes curvaceous pictures of herself.
According to The Dartmouth's editorial board, Raj Koganti '08 was "unable to effectively field questions" during his interview (Verbum Ultimum, May 4). That puzzles me. Why exactly would a candidate for political office be unable to answer questions? Is he mute? Does he operate on a script? Did he have to leave the interview to catch a meeting? Does he speak English? I could care less whether Koganti can answer questions well. But the ability to answer questions effectively is a power I require of every adult with whom I interact. It seems reasonable that we should require the same of our presidential candidates.
None of these candidates are for change. A vote for any of them is an affirmation that the current Assembly is fundamentally on the right track. If you agree with me that none of the candidates merits a vote, I urge you to put your electoral voice where your mouth is and snub them all. Vote for Stephen Colbert. Colbert is hilarious and substantive, and his television persona is a Dartmouth alumnus. So what if he doesn't have a platform? None of the other candidates have serious ones either.
If enough students vote for Colbert, he will win -- imagine that! We could not send a stronger message. As for what will actually happen if Colbert wins, I have no idea, but I'm sure there will be a lot of embarrassed head-scratching involved. That is the point. Best of all there is no risk involved--except of course for the candidates' resumes.
Mockery is Change: Vote Colbert.
