When it comes to hanging out on Dartmouth campus, we all have our place of choice. But what makes a certain frat or sorority so special when planning your night out? This Wednesday night, I went out on a "circuit" in the name of investigatory journalism (is that what they're calling irresponsible drinking these days?) to find out if chugging a beer is really so different from one house to the next.
Given the fact that it's been almost a year since I have gone to any house besides my own, I think that I brought a good amount of objectivity to the challenge. I have no favorites, no one knows me, so with my willing, beer-guzzling guinea pigs (aka my roommates) in tow, I started down frat row to complete the famous Dartmouth circuit. Oh, what a night.
Epsilon Kappa Theta: We arrived at EKT before meetings had even finished. However, in the true spirit of hospitality, the sisters invited us in to chug a beer with them. I felt welcome in their midst as they poured us beers, taught us their drinking song and cheered us on through our first beer of the night. Let me just say that Thetas are serious drinkers. Before participating in the chug with us, one of the sisters went to go put on her drinking shirt so that she could get serious. Their drinking chant is fast, and the beer must finished by the end. I personally am not hard enough to be a Theta. But I respect them.
A for hospitality
Alpha Chi Alpha: I regret to inform you, dear reader, that I have no idea of what Alpha Chi's bar is like. This is because I wasn't fortunate enough to enter Alpha Chi. After five minutes of banging at the front door, I was informed that Alpha Chis were in meetings, that they would be there until 1 a.m. (they must have a lot of really important stuff to discuss). No girls allowed. However, I was permitted to chug a beer, with my pinky toe crossing the threshold of Alpha Chi, so I suppose I should feel honored. The brothers declined to drink with us (maybe that's against the rules too?) and their lack of hospitality, coupled with the chilly temperatures of the Alpha Chi porch, soured the taste of my Keystone. I hate when that happens.
D for a chilly lock out and stickler rules.
Sigma Phi Epsilon: It was nice to be allowed to actually enter a house, for a change. The Sig Eps were welcoming and supportive of our challenge, and the beer service was quick. We asked the brothers if they could sing us their drinking song, and the rendition was weak at best (no one seemed to really know the words or want to sing it). But in general, the Sig Eps were a friendly, welcoming crowd (a pleasant change after the chilly Alpha Chis) and on our way out they asked us "leaving so soon?" Their Keystone was lukewarm, but I'll take a lukewarm Keystone over lukewarm hospitality any day.
B+ for service with a smile.
Sigma Nu: Well now I know where all the good ones are. And by "good ones" I mean the demographic that seems painfully absent at Dartmouth -- the really well-mannered men who know how to treat a lady and worship her in all of the ways that she deserves. I had just accepted the fact that they didn't exist here (not that I'm searching anyways), but this is not true. They do exist, and they're at Sig Nu! My roomies and I walked down the stairs to exclamations of "you ladies look beautiful tonight." All of the brothers promptly stopped their pong games, in order to indulge our request to chug a beer together. For starters, Sig Nu served up Jell-O shots (grape, but flavor aside it was a nice gesture). Then they provided us with (albeit slightly warm) beer, while serenading us with their Sig Nu drinking chant (I couldn't understand a word). Then they wanted to hear ours (and they're good listeners!). They were sad that we were leaving, but thanked us for stopping by, hoping to see us soon. If that's not chivalry, I don't know what is. Ladies, get thee to Sig Nu!
A for excellent service that restored my faith in the existence of a kind Dartmouth male.
Bones Gate: We walked into BG, and the brothers didn't seem to really notice (hey, they were busy with other things!). We had to wait a while to get a beer, but such is the price you pay for such a "chill" environment. It was unanimously agreed that BG has the best drinking song we heard all night -- poetic and very mischevious. One drawback -- one of the brothers sported a Princeton sweatshirt. What happened to school pride?
B+ because lyrical poetry compensates for slow and mal-dressed service.
KDE: Here, I begin to lose objectivity. I'll just say that this is the best place to drink on campus (because it's my house).
Duh.
Chi Gamma Epsilon: On probation. But I did remark that they have some new-looking leather couches. Heads up, freshman girls: they will be off probation on the 3rd, and you all can go "look" at those couches yourself.
NRO
Phi Delta Alpha: As usual, the Phi Delt brothers were gathered around that high table thing, playing with dice, smoking cigarettes and other tobacco products. They sort of nodded us over to the "bar" which was just a box of Keystone on a ledge, where we were served our beers (pretty standard beers, about as sweet as Phi Delts themselves). As usual, there were only brothers at the house, and they all seemed to like it that way.
B for consistency
Kappa Kappa Kappa: Also on probation.
NRO
Gamma Delta Chi: There was no one downstairs at the actual "bar" of GDX. Why, you ask? Because GDX got a new TV. A big plasma one. So now, when they're not playing football, they can watch football. Getting a beer was a bit difficult, as I felt like I was certainly blocking someone's view of the game (being 5'11" and all) and someone threw a water bottle cap at my head (although I'm just going to write that off as being in good fun -- I hope). However, GDX did provide a little variation, as they served us a Coors Light (in a bottle not a can), a refreshing change from Keystone.
B for variation (and because I'm afraid what they will throw at me if I grade lower).
Alpha Theta: When we asked where the bar was, we were informed that it wasn't called "the bar" but rather "the breakfast nook." Uhhh ... Ok, can I have a beer? The members there were very polite, but not very talkative. The beer that they gave us was chilled to perfection, like ice, but no chunks. Brilliant.
B+ for creativity and ice-cold beer
Sigma Alpha Epsilon: The brothers were most solicitous; I felt like I was at a country club or an exclusive resort being waited on (though I guess I shouldn't be surprised). When I explained our challenge, and asked an SAE if we could chug a beer together, the chap answered, "Well certainly, but I'm afraid that we only have Keystone light, will that be ok with you ladies?" Well, as friendly as you all have been, I didn't actually think I was at the Ritz, so Keystone will be just fine, thanks. SAE was the first fraternity we visited that actually had girls in their basement (Hi two girls that came to SAE!). On my way out, I heard someone playing "Heart and Soul" on the piano. No comment.
B+ for attentiveness and a mixed-gender scene
Chi Heorot: For the second time of the night, I had something thrown at me (can this really be a coincidence, or am I just asking for it?). Only this time, it's a bit more dangerous than an Aquafina cap, and I can't write it off as friendly play. As I tried to find someone to let me into Heorot, the brothers sat shirtless on the roof, throwing long, white plastic poles at me (all of a sudden, I felt like I was in in the jungle). After that, it all just became a blur. I think I just chugged a beer real fast (two minutes), and got the hell out of there before they could throw anything bigger at me.
C for spearing the guests.
Alpha Delta: Immediately upon entering AD two things became clear: This was where all of the people were, and this frat smells worse than anywhere else. It was extremely crowded and hard to move; obtaining a beer might have been quite difficult had were it not one of my AD friends standing behind the bar. Instead of throwing something at me, he passed me a beer. AD definitely seemed to be where the "scene" was.
B+ for people-watching despite over-crowding and a foul smell.
Psi Upsilon: So I finally found all of those freshman girls! I also found out which of my guy friends (there were dudes from multiple frats there) like to prey upon freshmen weakened by the infamous porchcrawlers. I fought my way through herds of giggling girls, only to reach the bar and discover that there were no more porchcrawlers. I was served a warm beer instead. And I think I bumped my head trying to tip it back for the chug.
B for cramped quarters and warm beer.
Theta Delta Chi: No one was here, because all of the sweet TDXs were over at Psi U trying to get themselves a freshman. However, even without all the human bodies to stink it up, Theta Delt was a close second to AD for foulest smell. Maybe that was because the dog had relieved himself on the floor of the meetings room, and no one had bothered to pick it up. The lone four guys downstairs playing pong were a bit stingy with the beer, telling me it had better be "worth it" because now they might not be able to run it back for the 20th time. I was told that I could come by "for a treat later." I hope they weren't referring to the treat sitting in the meetings room, but I didn't come back to find out. "What if God Was One of Us" was playing over the loudspeakers. True story.
C for smelliness, sh*t and bad pick up lines. + for the music choice.
Sigma Delta: At this point I was gushing blood from my foot (injury incurred while running away from my "treat" at Theta Delt) and the Sigma Delts not only helped bandage my wound, but made sure that I had a beer while they were bandaging. I felt bad about all of the blood on the floor, but they were totally gracious, and told me not to worry. Now that's a real lady.
A- for impromptu nursing skills
All in all, I feel that I learned a lot about different fraternities and sororities during my "circuit." I went in places I might never have gone otherwise (a.k.a. everywhere), made new friends (I think?) and learned lots of super useful things that will no doubt help me get hired to a high-paying job, things like which frat smells the worst, whose beer is the freshest, frats where you should wear a helmet and where to score a drunk freshman. And hopefully now people will finally stop asking me if I'm on this term.
