I'm not sure if I know her name or specifically when she shared silverware with me, but I am now stricken with a certain malaise sometimes called the "Kissing Disease." Or, if you prefer less romantic and more Jewish nomenclature, call it the Epstein-Barr virus. And I cannot kiss you, share wine cooler or play contact sports with you anymore for a doctor-recommended two to three weeks, ladies, until my spleen returns to its appropriate dimensions.
I have become what many can rarely attest to have seen -- a sober, intentionally celibate freshman. With this in mind, an exploration of Dartmouth without the rose-colored glasses of inebriation and coital possibility led me to a contemplative reflection on our social culture.
Although tender gland swelling made my throat sorer than the cinematically eponymous Debbie after a lucrative weekend in a certain Texan metropolis, some hall-mates convinced me to go out and enjoy a night out at the frats. On the way, we passed a motley crew of stumbling drunks shouting obscenities, who were not unlike a pack of ravenous land animals: "The elusive freshman, rarely seen in his natural habitat, can consume three times his stomach's volume in cheap vodka. With a full belly and loins alert, he goes on the prowl for a female in estrus."
Although fraternities do offer a venue to encounter distanced friends, this doesn't seem to be the reason most people go out. With romantic banter pointless, my partners in conversation soon succumbed to the temptations of more beer and a more attractive counterpart. I soon left, but of course not before I had a front-row seat to watch a fellow freshman vomit onto a jacket next to mine on the couch. I didn't realize EBA's made barbecue chicken pizza until it became a coat-bound projectile. And they even take orders until 2:10!
Of course, life isn't all about drinking and hooking up. But when the privilege is taken away, it's much easier to realize its prevalence on campus. Perhaps the lack of activities for the sober student underscores a certain inconvenient truth about what everyone on campus is busy doing. Nice try, Programming Board, but until karaoke night has kegs and Kappas, you're going to have to eat that free Ramunto's all by yourself.
Although they live inside the Dartmouth bubble, many students can't seem to do without the help of some form of orally-oriented distraction. This is not shocking, unreasonable or necessarily reproachable behavior. This is certainly no polemic against social drinking, with which moderation yields pleasant banter and social courage. However, a culture of over-indulgence -- a decadent lifestyle of dangerous promiscuity and obscene intoxication -- is undeniably unhealthy and anti-social.
O, drunkard! If you could only see yourself from sober eyes, you might realize that your "sick night" out at the frats consisted of you pissing on a dog, hitting on your own leg and trying to walk home before vomiting all over yourself. Or, if you live in Fahey or McLane, perhaps your night included defecating in a bathroom sink.
Frats seem to be more importantly "drunk-oriented spaces" than "male-dominated" ones. When you pack a hundred intoxicated teens without inhibitions who just came out of the cold with a hard-on for anything that has a temperature above 32 degrees, you can explain pertinent social problems. Don't look to who serves the drink as much as to what the drink does to human behavior. To those who intentionally enter a drunken stupor, you leave yourself open to dangerous and undesired possibilities, whether disciplinary, physical or sexual.
To those who drink enough to lose control of bodily functions, I suggest some healthy moderation. Start slow: Have 10 drinks instead of 15 and learn that guy/girl's name before you have sex with them.
While an altered state of mind can be a wonderful exploration of vocal talents, flirtation and your true feelings for Phil Collins, sometimes we must decide what makes this the time of our lives, and if it's worth remembering. As for many students, the first step in remembering the best time of your life will have to be remembering what happened in the first place.
