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The Dartmouth
March 2, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

Walking on Eggshells

Well, this is it. The final WOE of the term. I know, it's not an easy pill to swallow, but rest assured that I will spend countless hours over winter break analyzing sports, and will triumphantly return with at least two or three funny jokes for winter term.

But I digress. I've got a tight schedule this week, so let's get the ball rolling.

The NFL's Week 11 had a few nail-biters, most notably San Francisco edging out the Hasselbeck-less Seahawks 20-14 in the stunner of the weekend.

And then there was the Patriots' 35-0 trouncing of the Green Bay Packers, proving once again that Tom Brady is the best quarterback against non-existent pass defenses.

Derek Jeter has reportedly been seen with none other than Jessica Biel -- the only reason I stopped flipping through the channels to watch "7th Heaven." I've got to hand it to Jeter, after the whole Mariah Carey fiasco a few years back, he has really stepped up his game. He must be taking notes from Heorots or something.

In NASCAR news, Jimmie Johnson clinched the Nextel Cup Championship by coming in ninth at the Homestead-Miami Speedway. Footage after the race revealed that the stoic Johnson actually cracked what appeared to be a slight smile. However, reports out of Matt Kenseth's camp claim that Johnson was not smiling, but grimacing after chugging a liter of curdled milk Kenseth hid under his hood during the race.

All good things must come to an end, and that includes awards. For your reading pleasure, I give to you the last awards of Fall term:

Best Dressed of the Weekend: Mike Nolan, 49ers Head Coach

This is a no-brainer. If you saw the 49ers game on Sunday, you would have noticed Mike Nolan looking quite dapper in a black suit on the sideline, old Tom Landry style. After nearly two years of requesting the suit from Reebok, the official apparel provider for the NFL's coaching staff, Nolan finally got his threads.

If you made millions of dollars a year and knew you would be appearing on national television 16 days a year, don't you think you would at least wear something other than a dirty hoodie, or an oversized, unbuttoned polo shirt? The NBA seems to have no problem requiring their millionaire players to dress respectably, so why the apathy in the most lucrative sports league in the world toward coaching apparel.

WOE extends a grateful thank you to Mike Nolan: single-handedly bringing the suit back to the sidelines.

Injury of the Weekend: Donovan McNabb, injured QB, Philadelphia Eagles

You knew it was coming. All the preseason hype about how fit McNabb looked, how hard he had worked in the offseason getting back into shape, how he was going to lead the Eagles to victory in 2006 -- He was bound to tear his ACL.

I was a little disappointed after seeing the video of the injury, though. No Carson Palmer-esque awkward fall from grace, just a typical run out of bounds that ended with McNabb falling over himself on the sideline. But don't fret, Eagles fans.

The WOE crystal ball shows me loss after loss for the remainder of this season, but a high draft pick in your future.

Start scouting those college quarterbacks so you can groan when the Eagles draft a wide receiver with their first pick.

Soil of the Weekend: Tiger Woods

For all of you who don't know, Tiger Woods lost in a playoff for only the second time ever in his illustrious career, falling to Ireland's Padraig Harrington in the Dunlop Phoenix Open on Sunday.

Yes, Tiger Woods actually lost. To another human being. Let that sink in for a moment. Another five or six final round meltdowns might actually make other PGA players think they have a shot at being ranked ahead of Tiger, but we all know that's not going to happen.

Happy Thanksgiving.