True or false: Hipsters are into everything that's "cool" or "edgy."
Answer: False. Hipsters were over anything cool or edgy long before you even knew it existed.
True or false: Hipsters judge me because of my love of ice hockey and sense of "Minnesota nice."
Answer: True. I've tried to fix this before. Every single time I go to New York City. I go to Don Hills, I wear bandanas around my neck. It never works. Inevitably, I forget that I'm not in the Midwest anymore and offer to "whip up dinner," or jump-start someone's car.
Not this time, Dartmouth. I'm going to New York City next weekend and this time I've got to be hip enough. Thus, I assembled a panel of experts: Sean Adams '07, Don Stewart '06 and John James '08. Sean, Don and John gave me a tutorial as they set up for band practice. I'd make a plug for Sean, Don and John's band, but then they'd be "over it" by the time this article hits the stands. So, here's what they've got to say:
Don: We can start by saying that it's not hip to be interviewed in "The Mirror." We didn't want to be interviewed.
So how do I become a hipster?
Don: Well, first you're going to have to cut your hair. Something, I don't know, kind of long. Maybe tone it down a little bit. More conservative, you know? Also, do you know what topsiders are?
Like, the shoes?
Don: Yeah, your sandals are way too casual.
What do you think, Sean?
Sean: You should straighten your hair. I think you have to be prepared to, uh, I don't know. What do you have to be prepared to do?
Get Parkhursted?
Sean: No. That comes with the territory.
What hip music should I listen to? What books should I read?
Don: I think you either have to have the best taste or the worst taste. I think that's what it comes down to.
Sean: I mean, when it comes to TV, I pretty much only watch dating shows on MTV.
Don: You listen to a lot of pop music.
Sean: Listen to a lot of pop music. Lots of N'Sync.
Don: Basically, everything you thought was cool when you were a teenager was completely wrong. And everything you thought was really un-cool about you being a pre-teenager is really f*cking sweet.
John: That's true.
Don: The added benefits are that now you can drink and do drugs.
John: Which we don't do.
Sean: I think I just got grease from my drums on me.
Don: So what do you see in yourself that needs improvement?
Well, I only realized that I needed to become hip a couple hours ago. I need to do it because I'm going to New York City next weekend.
Don: Oh, sh*t. New York.
So does it help to be in a band?
Don: I mean, I think it reins you in a little bit. The level of grounding and insecurity that makes you want to be in a band also keeps you from walking around in platform boots wearing only unitards like, "club hipster" stuff.
Sean: I mean, being that kind of hipster takes a lot of time. Too much thought.
What else?
Don: Well, either have a ton of money or no money at all.
Sean: Good point. Also, you should probably figure out something that's been socially unacceptable for a long time. Like, an addiction is always a good one. Find yourself some sort of addiction.
