Steph's So Dartmouth

I take exception to the term "Big Weekend." When I hear Green Key being referred to as "one of our Big Weekends," my green blood starts to pump faster with indignation. Green Key is not some budget, B-side, JV snow-less Winter Carnival style weekend. It's not A weekend; it is THE weekend. If you haven't noticed why Green Key makes every other weekend look like your grandmother's tea party, you haven't been paying attention.

Let's take a look at the facts. First of all, let's discuss the issue of purpose. Homecoming and Winter Carnival both have fairly clear purposes. Homecoming inducts the freshmen into the realm of Dartmouth tradition and is also a big draw for alums (ka-ching ka-ching). Winter Carnival celebrates all the great things you can do outside when it's twenty below (this, along with the custom of herding 1000+ screaming 19-year-olds around a fire for hours makes me pretty sure that these weekends were thought up by a bunch of Heaven's Gate-Style, Death-Wishing Lunatics.) Green Key, however, has no point. Or rather, as proud former Green Key Society member Ann C. Scott informed me, "Green Key's traditional purpose was to introduce the new members of the Green Key Society to the College." But anyway nobody knows that and I don't even think it happens, so Green Key is free to devote itself entirely to parties, without having conform to any overarching "Purpose."

Green Key also has to be bigger and better than other weekends because of the standard set by Spring term. Prior to other so-called Big Weekends, there is a calm before the storm if you will. Common wisdom says, "Oh, it's the weekend before Homecoming/Winter Carnival, there's not much going on." Why you need to take a week off to prepare for these weekends I'm really not sure, considering Winter Carnival is so boring that people actually throw themselves into freezing pond water for fun. There are far too many expectations built up for our fall and winter weekends, and like New Year's, they can rarely deliver. Spring term, however, is entirely different. Rather than a lull developing before Green Key, Spring term pelts students with some of the best party options of the year right up until Green Key. We've already had Pigstick, Derby, '80s, and live bands and dance parties galore. Green Key, therefore, as this term's resident Big Weekend, must surpass all the great parties that have come heretofore.

So, here is the real question: this Green Key, how are you going to outdo your standard party fare and make this THE Big Weekend performance worth remembering? I've cooked up a few ideas, and while I am not suggesting that you engage in any of these activities (really, they are more intended to inspire something true and noble deep inside of you), you must admit that they are the stuff that Big Weekend Legends are made of. Immortalize yourself in Dartmouth lore -- after all, who doesn't want to live forever? So here, 15 ways to become a Green Key God:

1. Challenge everyone you see to Dome, including frat dogs.

2. Slump outside the President's House drinking out of a paper bag and warbling the Alma Mater off-key.

3. Do the Dartmouth Seven every day with different people.

4. Wear leaves, cover yourself in blood and stand by the Theta Delt Pig as it's roasting screaming "Sucks to your ass-mar!"

5. Crowd surf at the AD Lawn Party. 5 Bonus points for jumping off the roof of the Sphinx.

6. Get kicked out of Saturday's women's lax game for obscenely heckling Princeton's baseball team.

7. Run around the Green screaming "Touch the fire!"

8. Wake up in a basement. Turn off alarm clock, pull self out of mysterious puddle and quick six.

9. Get arrested and present the officer with a monopoly "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

10. Light yourself on fire and test the effectiveness of Stop, Drop and Roll.

11. Carry a Camelback filled with Franzia.

12. Make out with a prof at the Chi Gam Dance Party (although I recently learned that it's already been done, so perhaps you could take it to the next level).

13. Stand on the Green in a bathing suit waving your arms wildly and explain to confused passersby that you are building rain sculpture.

14. Swan Dive off the Phi Delt balcony into the crowd below at the Block Party screaming, "I am a Golden God!"

15. Be a Green Key Triple Threat: Drunk, Naked and in Public.

Normally I am not a fan of Rage Calls, and as I recognize that this whole article is pretty much one giant Rage Call, I apologize. But seriously, it's Green Key. Get your head in the game. Play to win. Your body may expire, but your name can live on in infamy.