Dear Hannah and Anna,
I did not realize how small Hanover was until I saw my professor swapping spit with her husband in the dry cereal isle of the Co-op. I tried to block the image out, but I fear it's been burned into my brain forever. Now when I read my textbook or go over my notes, all I can think about is her making out during a lecture. What do I do when I see her in class on Tuesday?
Help!
Now-Chaste in the Treehouses (Elm)
Dear Now-Chaste:
Grossies! WTF! That's not cool! Pro-fessor? More like Pro-suck-facer! Ew, your prof is such a chafe.
Wait. Stop. Back it on up. Let's be mature, here. Just because your professor may be a solid 20 years your senior doesn't mean she doesn't have a sex drive. In fact, many scholars believe that men and women beyond their college years still like to get jiggy with it on a regular basis. You simply saw your professor expressing a healthy and natural affection towards her partner. This is nothing to get alarmed about. We urge you to examine such cultural references as "Harold and Maude" (read: Maude), "Golden Girls" (who doesn't think Blanche is a slore?), Bill O'Reilly (loofah, anyone?) and, last but not least, the goddess of sexual education for all those over 50, Dr. Ruth. Use these to acquaint yourself with examples in which elderly love is healthily and appropriately explored.
That said, witnessing your professor play tonsil hockey is sicknasty. Therefore, we offer the following suggestions to rid yourself of this unwanted memory (good thing Anna's a psychology minor):
1.The Pain Equals Gain Theory: Place a rubber band around your wrist. While sitting in class on Tuesday, every time the painful image arises in your mind, snap the rubber band against your wrist and snap it hard. You know you like it. Say my name, b*tch. Pretty soon, your brain will respond to this conditioned stimulus (snapping pain) by eliciting the conditioned response (no longer thinking about said gross image). If your professor asks you what you're doing, simply reply "I'm learning, Professor."
2.The Take it Like a Man Theory: This is all about confronting your fears. Block off an afternoon to go sit for at least four hours in the dry cereal aisle. You might break into a cold sweat, you might black out, but trust us, it is for the best. If you can build up new associations -- even negative ones -- with this space, all past memories will fade away like dust into the fog.
3.The Whoever Told you Avoidance was bad was a Toolface Theory: Did your mom ever tell you that you could not hide from your problems, rather you had to face them? Well, your mom is a toolface. Sorry. Our advice is: stop going to class. If it's too late to withdraw, simply accept a failing grade. Nothing could be worse than writing a paper for a woman you saw making out! Your mental health should be your priority and if that means a drop in your GPA, then so be it.
While responding to this question, the following question arose ... anyone can "make out," but we pose this challenge to you, readers: can we as a community "make in?" You ponder this, Dartmouth.
Until next time,
Hannah and Anna, selflessly dispensing advice to the socially awkward and confused (we know because we've been there)
