As I think God once said, "The meek shall inherit the earth." Well guess what? They already have. We live in a world made for the short and the small. As a tall and generally big guy, everyday I suffer the consequences of my stature. Sure it's nice to be able to reach high objects on a whim, but the downfalls of being big and tall have come to out weigh the pros.
Just look around you. Tall people are constantly hitting their heads on things, wedging their knees into airplane seats, awkwardly standing at the short person urinal and much worse.
The American consumer culture caters to the small at the expense of the big. Take "fun-sized" candy bars. There's nothing fun about them -- they're just small. Big kids are thus left unsatisfied on almost every candy-related holiday. Or look at 8 oz. sodas -- they are comically small and completely functionless.
The only upside to them is that you can pretend you are Shaq downing a diet ginger ale in three gulps. The worst is individually wrapped American cheese singles. Honestly, who eats only one slice of cheese?
My life has been a story of excessively packaged small portions and self inflicted blunt-trauma wounds to the head. In high school I actually knocked myself unconscious after hitting my head on a doorway while jumping over a dog gate in my house. I've never been able to dance quite the same since.
I realize that compared to the other end of the spectrum, I have it pretty good. It sucks to be a short guy. Just ask any '08 ADs or junior lacrosse players for that matter. Always eye level or lower when talking to girls. Always lost in the crowd. Never allowed to ride on the upside-down roller coasters at Six Flags.
You gotta kind of feel bad for short guys. I've read that there was a study showing that on average taller men earn 20 percent more than their shorter counterparts and are almost twice as likely to become CEOs or presidents.
Researchers cite increased confidence and self-esteem as what makes the difference. I disagree: tall people are just smarter than short people.
From an early age, tall kids are able to see the chalk board. Given their size, they block the view of the short kids behind them. The short kids then have to resort to shooting spitballs at the back of these said tall kids.
Big and tall kids also have to spend less time worrying about bullies and getting picked on while growing up and more time on more important things like learning mathematics and stealing milk money from the weaker kids. Over time, the big and tall kids in general do become smarter (and better looking?) because of their early-in-life size advantages, and later in life can easily find themselves in positions of leadership and power.
Just take a look at some of the today's best-know big and tall people: Dr. Phil, Yao Ming, James Wright, the Michelin man, Big Bird, Paul Bunyan, Paul Bode, Janet Reno, etc. Each is a role model for short and tall kids alike. But where would they be without their height? Probably, on the streets of communist China selling poached panda cubs out to Australian tourists as pets.
But who do the country's short children have to look up to as role models? Gary Coleman? Mugsy Bogues? Napoleon? A quick survey of famous short people shows a pile of losers driven by giant inferiority complexes. Take Pat Sajak, a sleezy short guy, who owes almost all of the success of "Wheel of Fortune" to the tall and dreamy Vanna White. How many kids have posters of him on their wall? But, who else is there? Danny DeVito? Sucks. Tom Cruise? Eats placenta. Gimli, the Dwarf from "Lord of the Rings?" Loser.
I can begin to see how short people might be resentful and why they might try to lash out against big and tall people by reducing legroom and individually wrapping more things into smaller units.
The future looks even worse for big and tall people. Every year I am astonished by how small the incoming freshmen are. I don't have proof, but every year they seem to be getting smaller and smaller. The '10s that have shown up for Dimensions Weekend are just plain ridiculous. President Wright could probably grab a few and juggle them. Or eat them.
I'm sure as all the big and tall '06s and '07s graduate, the campus will become more and more short-people oriented. Pong tables will be set up on buckets. Food Court will provide booster seats. The football team will have a legit excuse for losing.
No, the future does not look bright for big and tall people. Though one thing keeps me positive: At least I have big feet.
