We can all breathe a sigh of relief after the end of those infamous few days of room draw. The majority of Dartmouth students have successfully interpreted dormitory blueprints, negotiated with overzealous ORL employees and jockeyed for prime Dartmouth real estate. Save for those sad souls stuck on the waitlist, we all know our address for the coming scholastic year, or at least next term. However, for those who've opted for new roommates, either by choice or by the cast of ORL's dice, beware- you might get stuck with a rogue roommate. These folks come in all shapes and sizes, from the seemingly innocuous, meek comp sci major to the brutish and crass frat boy. Although their means vary, their goal is universal -- driving you insane. You might just want to rethink passing up on that single in Topliff or even the lonely solitude of the North dormitories.
One of the most common and most irksome of the rogue roommates are the slobs. From day one, these students make good on their name. From garnering old take-away containers of DDS food to failing to place any trash into the room garbage container, these slobs' number one task is to make his or her room into an abode Oscar the Grouch would be comfortable in. These slobs enjoy collecting old foodstuffs, plastic bags, plasticware from Food Court and just about anything else that has no use nor nostalgic value. Another universal feature of a slob's room is the perpetual nauseating odor that is unavoidable as one enters the room. There is nowhere else in the world, except perhaps northern New Jersey, that reeks quite this way. This vile scent, a combination of rotting garbage, trimester-old dirty gym shorts and moldy EBAs quesadillas, wafts through the stale air. These slobs thrive in a poorly illuminated room- shades are always drawn and windows never open. Rarely does a slob pay a visit to the gym, and to the shower, even less. It is highly advisable to request a room change; however, if this is not an option, bring plenty of Lysol and/or Febreeze and hunker down for the worst.
Though the slob is quite a nuisance, another rogue roommate exists that is significantly more vexing. These characters serve as the lifeblood of Dartmouth's social scene, commonly frequenting frat basements more often than classes. These "ragers" effortlessly rattle off the most inane facts about Greek life, e.g., the names of Chi Gam's dog, but haven't the faintest clue to what hour a 9L class commences. These ragers occasionally have a mini-bar stocked with exotic beers and fine liquors (Zhenka vodka), but more often than not, Keystone Light. When "staying in" means only a few games of late night pong, and when every Safety and Security officer knows your roommate better than you do, you know you're dealing with a hardcore rager. These roommates enjoy creating a ruckus after a successful night or afternoon of drinking, and make sure the entire hall knows of their arrival back at the dorm. Some brazen UGAs attempt to reign in these hell-raisers, but alas, admit defeat after several tangles with the inebriated rager. It is not uncommon for a rager to bring home "overnight guests." These situations ensure uncomfortable Sunday mornings, when the "guest," horribly hung-over, attempts to recollect misplaced clothing articles in your room. Indeed ragers always provide entertainment during those long, arctic Hanover winters, but beware you might get more than you bargained for.
Not all rogue roommates appear as such from the start. One type of roommate, the creep, seems relativity normal at the beginning of the term. Somewhat reclusive, the creep slowly becomes odder and more reticent as the term progresses. These characters are extremely tidy and industrious. Though seemingly innocuous, he or she enjoys pilfering through your belongs, personal items and just about anything left in open space when you are gone. They love plundering through your open BlitzMail account. Although tolerable at first, their descent to utter creepiness progresses rapidly. Installing a web camera on his or her personal computer for spying on roommates is not a fantasy, but a disturbing reality. One must avoid these roommates at all costs.
Before you all rush to ORL and beg to be switched into a single, understand that these rogues are rarities. Most roomies get along very well; often roommates forge some great friendships. Just remember -- do not be that roommate who drinks too much, wallows in his own filth or creeps out the whole hall.
