Look, I don't know why Green Key weekend is called Green Key weekend, or what it's supposed to stand for or when it originated, but I'm pretty sure that it was NOT originally intended to be just a celebration of drunkenness. Disgusting college behavior can be enjoyed on any weekend, so why not make this one special and different? Instead of donning a toga, go out on the Green and play badminton with some kids from White River Junction who may or may not have learning disabilities. They'll get a kick out of the activity and your resume will look exponentially more impressive. Or perform a Random Act of Kindness on a day that isn't Random Act of Kindness Day. Now that's random!
But please don't make this weekend just another excuse to skip class and get drunk every day of the week. Don't go to a frat basement just so you can funnel a beer, rip your shirt off and flex both biceps while chanting your own last name over and over. Don't go up to a girl you've never met and tell her that you're The Incredible Hulk and ask her if she'd like a beer. She's probably not going to believe that you have the ability to turn into a jacked green guy whose pants still somehow fit, and even if she does, she's not going to want your $12-for-a-30-pack, watered down, probably roofied, beer anyway. And don't dump a beer on a girl's head just because she won't make out with you. And after you've dumped the second beer on her head, don't high-five all your buddies. It's just not cool.
Remember that conversations like the proceeding one will only bring you shame and embarrassment:
YOU: Hey, (your friend who you see on Sunday morning in the Hop)
FRIEND: Hey. Did you have fun last night?
YOU: Yeah, I had an awesome time. (You play the air guitar to emphasize this point.)
FRIEND: You were pretty drunk.
YOU: I know. I don't even remember the last part of the night. Ooo-WOW! (That last word-type thing was a Party Guy Howl indicative of total sweetness. Then you and your friend exchange a knowing glance and give each other that "half hug while gripping-sliding-snapping fingers" thing that is supposed to signify how cool it is that you were blacked out the night before.)
FRIEND: Do you remember punching each other in the head?
YOU: Oh, man! (You touch your ear.) Is that why I'm still bleeding from my ear?
FRIEND: Probably!
YOU: Wow. I don't remember that at all. Did I do anything else?
FRIEND: Um, well, I'm sure you remember making out with (the ridiculously hot chick you were hooking up with in the frat basement the night before.)
YOU: WHAT? I don't remember making out with (the ridiculously hot chick you were hooking up with in the frat basement the night before) at all! This is so embarrassing.
Ladies, Green Key is not for taking your clothes off. The toga party is not an excuse to dress scantily, sexily and perhaps only in plastic wrap. A toga that really looks more like a bikini made entirely out of whipped cream with cherries on the nipples is not a toga. "Invisible togas" are not togas either. The lawn party is not a good time to strip your clothes off and mud wrestle, even if it's pouring out. If anyone tells you to stand on the balcony and take your top off for beads, tell them that your body is not for sale and then ask how many beads would be involved. If a guy tries to take you home with him, tell them that you're a lesbian. He'll probably leave you alone. Then go home to your girlfriend and hook up, and when you're done hooking up, talk about how all guys are the biggest jerks. Then hook up some more.
If you find yourself having the following exchange, you will realize the inevitable shame wrought by your drunken behavior:
"Did you piss in my desk last night?" That's your roommate talking.
"No." That's you.
"Well, there's a two inch pool of standing water in my top drawer and I can't think of a better explanation."
"Maybe it was you."
"I don't drink and you know that I just got back this morning from my uncle's funeral."
"Oh. Right. I forgot."
"So will you clean it up?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because last time I pissed in your drawer, I closed it afterwards." You point at the drawer. "That drawer is open so it couldn't have been me."
Your roommate looks at the desk and then looks at you. "It's open because I had to open it to find out that you pissed in it."
"Oh."
Then you spend the next hour bailing out a desk full of your own piss. That's not how I want to spend my Green Key. I'll be too busy flying kites, dancing at school-sponsored Collis parties and ripping on the Greek system with my girlfriends.
Now that's the spirit of Green Key!