Following in the footsteps of such journalistic luminaries as Mike Wallace, Barbara Walters and Ed Bradley, The Dartmouth's Mark Sweeney catches up with the big names on campus and asks the questions that others have too much professionalism or integrity to ask. Today, Sweeney chats with sometimes squash competitor and all-the-time varsity-level musician Ben Noland '05.
The Dartmouth: For those members of the Dartmouth community who don't know you, I think all that needs to be said about you is that you hail from the state of Virginia, the home of such American historical luminaries as George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and Allen Iverson. Any resident of that state is obviously somebody worth getting to know, especially a genuine southern gentleman such as yourself. What aspects do you personally like best about being from the Old Dominion?
Ben Noland: Well that's not ALL that needs to be said about me. I am in fact a citizen of the fine Commonwealth of Virginia, but I like to be painted with brushes of different colors from time to time too. We can get to the others later though. Virginia is a great place, hands down the best state in the union. It's hard for me to articulate why exactly, but it's just one of those things you know; one of those universal truths like, umm, gravity.
It's a state of perfect balances, really. On one side the ocean, on the other the mountains. Southern sensibility and etiquette meets worldly culture. Brain meets brawn: Thomas Jefferson and Michael Vick. Also, I'm from Virginia. Need I say more?
The D: A passion of yours in music. What are some of the perks in being a member of a band that, according to some noted music journalists, is "on the brink of becoming the next REO Speedwagon?"
BN: Uhh, I'll steer clear of the REO Speedwagon comparison. The biggest perks are all the sex and drugs that come with the job. I'm sure your readers have seen us around campus, rockin' 'til the break o' dawn, but what they don't know is what goes on behind the scenes.
After we play, girls practically line up outside our dressing room door to get in on the 12-hour coke binges and all the sexual experimentation. Some people call us "the Def Leppard of Dartmouth" for this reason. All of the adoring fans are great too, because after all, we would be nowhere without the fans.
The D: Which famous musical figures do you most admire and why?
BN: That's a tough one, but I'd have to say Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. You see, despite our differences in style, we all have one thing in common: the headset microphone. As a drummer, I also know about the need to be able to sing with confidence while maintaining full range of motion. The headset mic has truly revolutionized my sound.
I think some of our bigger fans have found out about my respect for these two artists and what they can do with a headset mic, because often times I get cheers from the front row like, "Great singing, Britney!" I nod courteously to the fan, but I beam on the inside because, as a musician, there is no greater compliment than being compared to one of your musical role models.
The D: Say that you were to pick a theme song to go along with your daily activities -- for example, a song to play while you walked around campus, one when you played sports, one when you tried to meet an attractive young lady, etc. -- what songs would you choose for various situations?
BN: What an insightful question. Well, the walking around campus one is easy. I would have 50 Cent's "In Da Club" blasting as I meandered my way to and from classes so that everyone would know what a badass I am. I mean, you've seen that cell phone commercial right, you know, the one with the "In Da Club" ring tone? Those guys are rad.
Hmm, while playing sports, I'd have Survivor's "Eye of the Tiger" on repeat. One, because it's an awesome pump-up song and two, because it would let all of my opponents know that I have iron-like grit and determination and that I will kick some ass.
As far as the song for the ladies goes, I guess it would change depending on the situation and the mood. However, I feel like more often than not, I'd rely on The Darkness' "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" because it's not only a sweet song, but also because it would allow me to showcase my world-class air guitar and air front man skills. It's got some sweet guitar solos and some ripping Freddie Mercury-like vocals that would really give me some room to cook. What girl can resist a solid air guitar routine? I can't think of any.
The D: This question comes from a female admirer of yours. What qualities do you look for in members of the opposite sex: an inquisitive mind, a sharp sense of humor, or some junk in the trunk?
BN: I used to look for a sharp sense of humor, but I've somewhat given up hope there because let's face it, we all know girls aren't funny. They do try though, and that's commendable.
Although an inquisitive mind and junk in the trunk are nice, as far as qualities go, like any good egomaniac, I look for a woman to be utterly and completely devoted to me. Like god worship. The above question is really a non-issue though because I have found the perfect woman and I need to look no further.
The D: As a native Virginian, as well as a burgeoning rock star, it's a certainty that you are more popular with the ladies than Kordell Stewart at a Village People concert. How do you deal with this status?
BN: It's tough, Mark. Sometimes I have to fight them off with a stick.
The D: I always felt the least impressive Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was the one who just carried that stick around. Besides being rather bulky and unintimidating, it seems that a sword or nunchucks would be the far superior weapon when trying to battle evil adversaries. And I never understood how a turtle could develop such an affinity for pizza. That said, what is your opinion about roller coasters?
BN: Well Mark, it was actually Michelangelo, the nunchucker, who loved pizza so. I mean, they all did, but he was the pig of the foursome. I agree though, Donatello was by far the most marginalized of the turtles. But there's always got to be one bad apple.
Anyways, about roller coasters ... Well, I am a man and I'm secure in my masculinity, so I have no problem admitting to a national readership that I am, in fact, petrified of roller coasters.
It all started when I was five and I went to Busch Gardens theme park with my family. Being the ever-speculative young lad, I was already reticent of these monstrosities of speed, metal and stomach drops, but the constant taunting of my sinister older brothers didn't help matters. So, as it turns out, the line for "The Big Bad Wolf" -- needless to say, a terrifying roller coaster -- happened to form right next to the Red Baron flying plane attraction. Well, after minutes of thoughtful observation and consideration -- again, I was generally a stressed little kid and not really keen on big amusement rides -- I agreed to do the Red Baron ride.
Well, as you can surmise, it was all a big trick and when I finally realized that I was in line for the Big Bad Wolf, it was too late to back out and my brothers forced me to stay with them. When that roller coaster shot out from the station, I truly felt like I would not live to see the end of the ride. As such, it was one of the more traumatic experiences of my childhood. Suffice it to say, I have not been on a roller coaster since.
The D: If you were to pick your favorite foreign country, what would it be?
BN: I would have to say Spain. The reason is twofold. For one thing, any culture that builds naptime into its daily schedule is awesome. I mean, stores and banks and stuff close for like two hours every afternoon just so everyone can go home and take a post-lunch nap. How awesome is that?
Also, the native tongue is Spanish. Second only to go-kart racing and music -- they tie for first -- the Spanish language is a true passion of mine. Plus, I've been to Spain and it was awesome.
The D: What are your dreams and goals when it comes to your musical career?
BN: Fuel's Friday night ROCK extravaganza. If I could headline there, I'd die a happy man.
