Confused with the California recall? Yeah, things are pretty dicey, but more than that, ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger entered the California gubernatorial race, weird things have been happening. It's been raining more, the Red Sox are still in the race, Libya took full blame for the 1988 Lockerbee Pan-Am attacks, the lights went out (the blackout didn't affect Hanover, another example that we live "in da bubble"), someone even told me that they saw a Chi Gam smiling for once. This goes to show you that Arnold's decision to run is affecting more than your run-of-the-mill California Democrat. Arnold's decision got me thinking not only "how good a governor would he be?" but "who else should have run?" and "what would happen if they did?"
Initially, I had serious doubts about a Governor Schwarzenegger. Aside from the perfunctory campaign lines "Astalavista, Gray Davis," and "Gov. Davis won't be back," I was looking for some substance. When investor Warren Buffet endorsed Arnold, California's economic prospects glimmered more. Then former U.S. Treasury Secretary George Shultz signed up, another indicator that Arnold's bipartisan rolodex bodes well for California. Jump to the L section of the rolodex and substance personified pops up in actor Rob Lowe, who recently joined the campaign. Buffet, Shultz, and Lowe -- Arnold's dream team. Whomever Gov. Schwarzenegger has in his advisory cabinet will have credentials (or faux credentials in the case of Rob Lowe), but credentials nonetheless. And more and more we'll start to believe in Arnold's words, "[I'll] do for politics what I did for acting." Joking aside, I think Gov. Schwarzenegger wouldn't be half bad. Gov. Davis is the real joke and maybe it's time, if Arnold is elected, that the buffoonery had to do more with the governor's previous profession than performance record.
Gov. Schwarzenegger would be as fresh as dew, which got me thinking: "Who else should have run for governor of California?" The ballot is already littered with fantasy candidates like pundit Ariana Huffington, porn peddler Larry Flint, actor Gary Coleman, and (a fantasy in his own mind) Gray Davis. But who else could have entered the race and really spiced things up?
1) Barry Bonds -- he's a Californian playing for the San Francisco Giants and all. His name recognition is astromically high. Folks will say he shouldn't run because he's chasing some home run record, but Barry wouldn't just be spice in the governor's office, he'd be the fiery paprika. With his lightening rod personality that switches from angry to very angry to thunderstruck "pissed" in 3.7 nanoseconds, imagine what he would do to the press corps with his 34-inch 32-ounce bathe'd slug them back to Louisville. Gov. Bonds might introduce such legislation as "Cracker Jack for all" and "Electricity for all," a program that sucks all the energy from bordering states and Pittsburgh and routes it to California. As a baseball player, he's well qualified for governor -- he's already got the spitting and scratching down.
2) Gary Condit (remember him?) -- the ousted congressman who was accused of wrongdoing in the Chandra Levy case. If Condit built a gubernatorial arc, he'd put only one thing on it: revenge. Gray Davis back-stabbed him. The Democrats besmirched him. The media blazed him. The Republicans were the Republicans. Condit wouldn't have to please anyone. He would be out for himself and himself alone (see Machiavelli or ask any politician). Condit would add some pizzazz (and grease) to the race because you'd never know who would be in the line of his vindictive fire.
3) Martha Stewart -- the embattled homemaker guru, she has all the makings to run. One recall observer says, "You have to be a little self-serving to be in the recall race." I'd say that Martha's got that down. Word on the street is that Martha's so self-serving, so egomaniacal, she gets her X-rays touched up. She'd give Arnold a run for his moneyhe's worth something like $400 million, give or take a few hundred million, she's a billionaire. Gov. Stewart could even try to pardon herself as governor, freeing her from the legal torment she finds herself in now. I don't know what type of policies Gov. Stewart would introduce, but Californians would surely learn how to use an oyster fork.
4) The Dartmouth Moose -- the unofficial, quickly becoming official, mascot of the College should've entered the race to face some real competition. When you're on the ballot with a Yeti and Forrester, the average moose starts to look like Teddy Moosevelt. A moose would spice up the recall, and we'd learn if our new mascot (?) was as popular here as it is out there.
This is only a short list of candidates. I think you could make a case for Dan Rather, Keri Strug, "The D" op-ed writers, or Dennis Kucinich. But I'm allowed just so many words. The recall election will be intriguing, and, just think, with a few more candidates -- it could have been a real carny.
