Once in a while, a motion picture comes along that is so bad, so God-awful, so horrendous and poorly-conceived that it is instantly entertaining. Who on earth thought this crap would possibly be a good film, one thinks. A movie like this is absurdly mesmerizing: jaw-dropping, even.
"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" is not that movie.
On the contrary, this motion picture is sheer cinematic gold -- a deft thriller bursting with uncommon grace and infused with unabashed genius. It is an intelligent and sophisticated tour-de-force, a veritable masterpiece that crackles with action and adventure. Call it the Thinking Man's "Aeneid."
"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" grandly regales us with a tale of intrigue centering on a patchwork band of (extraordinary) gentlemen. They are characters culled from the some of the greatest literary works of the 19th century, lifted from such authors as Jules Verne, Mark Twain, H. G. Wells, Bram Stoker and the legendary H. Rider Haggard. These literate notables have a heady task on their hands -- quite simply, to save the world itself.
The film is staged in turn-of-the-century England, as a mysterious figure known only as the Phantom is gallivanting about Europe, setting its nations at each other in the hopes of igniting a world war. He loots the British Treasury in a German Panzer one day and then destroys the Hindenburg the next. What a blackguard.
Though the Phantom cuts a memorable figure -- clad in a flowing mink robe and a menacing chrome mask to hide his horrible disfigurement -- the Great Powers blame each other for the atrocities. The viewer knows this because there is a video montage of spinning newspapers with blaring headlines announcing an impending war.
When traditional diplomacy fails, the British government must turn as a last resort to a league of exceptional -- no, extraordinary -- gentlemen in order to prevent the unthinkable. These diplomats of fury will resolve the global crisis using only their wits -- and their fists, samurai swords, high-powered sniper rifles, vampire teeth and futuristic submarine.
"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" is indeed extraordinary. Alan Quartermain is the world-weary buccaneer who reluctantly comes out of retirement to lead the mission. Captain Nemo is a beturbaned, mustachioed Persian ninja who ferries the League around the globe in his enormous Nautilus submarine. The Invisible Man has a rapier wit and a quick tongue to match and constantly gets himself into yet another wacky snafu on account of his invisibility.
There are others, of course. The tart Mina Harker, of "Dracula" fame, is a bloodthirsty vampire with a heart of gold. Mr. Hyde is a man-like simian who will attack anyone who so much as looks at him cross-ways. Dorian Grey is the immortal dandy with a dark secret and a taste for the finer things in life. Tom Sawyer, now older and angst-ridden, rounds out the bunch as a fresh-faced CIA operative, presumably signing on to the mission to avenge the grisly murder of Huckleberry Finn. Together this ensemble must thwart the Phantom's diabolic plans.
The film is subtly crafted with razor-sharp characterization and a Shakespearean level of acting. Sean Connery is in top form as Quartermain, delivering a virtuoso performance that is sure to net him several Academy Awards, especially Best Actor and Best Beard. It is not at all spoiling the film to reveal that at one point Quartermain is killed and then resurrected by an African shaman. It is worth seeing this film simply to watch Connery claw his way out of the grave -- he brilliantly depicts what it would be like to be resurrected by an African shaman. In fact, this cinematic gem will likely become the definitive scene by which all subsequent resurrection scenes are measured.
The film takes pains to remain true to its literary inspirations. Captain Nemo is still the roguish, sex-crazed pirate that Verne envisioned, and his luxurious submarine is still manned by a crew of Arabian slaves. Dorian Grey is not only immune from aging but also impervious to repeated stabbings, vampire attacks, and being riddled with high caliber machine-gun fire, just as Oscar Wilde intended.
Needless to say, the film also maintains a remarkable degree of historical accuracy. When the League battles the Phantom's army of flame-throwing robots, for example, the robots are painstaking recreations of actual nineteenth-century robots -- the scene is like a history lesson come to life.
And the film is nothing if not realistic. When Sawyer goes careening through the streets of Venice in Nemo's six-wheeled Rolls Royce convertible in a high-speed race, he does not run over any pedestrians.
Rarely has a film been so profound or so delicately probed the nuances of the human condition. One learns many life lessons from "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen." The League is a courageous posse of ragtag heroes dealing with the everyday problems of stopping a madman hell-bent on world domination -- something everyone can relate to.
Moreover, the tender father-son relationship that develops between Quartermain and Sawyer will hit home with any students who have fathered children of their own. Finally, when the League circles up before a final all-or-nothing assault on the Phantom's Mongolian weapons factory and throws their hands together in the center as a gesture of solidarity, only the hardest hearts will not grasp the simple lessons of camaraderie and perseverance that are imparted. "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!!" they shout, before rushing off to fight some monsters, free a roomful of kidnapped scientists, and blow some stuff up.
All in all, "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" is a gorgeous masterpiece of the highest caliber. It is the intellectual summit of the distinguished literary super-heroes genre. No doubt it will one day be recognized as one of the greatest cultural achievements of our age.
