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The Dartmouth
May 21, 2024 | Latest Issue
The Dartmouth

May Madness

It's that time of the year again. The sun is shining (when it's not raining or snowing). The Green is actually green again. It only goes down to 30 degrees now. You sit outside to eat lunch and watch all the hot, shirtless guys playing soccer on the Green, convinced that they were all off last term. Ahh, yes. Spring has arrived at Dartmouth and it's about time too. We've only been waiting for this since October. But it's all good, it's finally here and now we have to celebrate spring the Dartmouth way: by drinking ourselves to oblivion.

Now before I'm accused of stereotyping our entire student body, let me just say that I don't think we all have a problem. Don't forget that 87 percent of Dartmouth students don't drink to get away from their problems. It's true -- haven't you seen all the posters that say so? But you know what that means " 13percent of us do. Which still doesn't really make us alcoholics, I think. As a prolific T shirt I once saw put it, we're not alcoholics. If we were, we'd attend AA meetings. So yeah, it just means that as Dartmouth students, we appreciate the finer things in life, like passing out in a frat basement. On a Monday night. Take that, Harvard.

Which brings me back to Green Key, whose sole purpose is to give us a legitimate excuse to drink for five straight days without any kind of guilt. It's about having a blast and not remembering any of it. It's about random hookups and not remembering any of them. It's about solving all our problems the only way we know how. Now if that's not a Dartmouth tradition, I don't know what is. And the great thing is, there is something in it for everyone. There are the bands and the lawn parties. There are the barbecues and the chilling. And of course, there is the drunken debauchery as usual. If there's more to Green Key, someone please let me know because I haven't really heard about it. And quite frankly, the current setup works for me just fine.

I remember being really confused about Green Key last year. I had no idea what the purpose of this weekend was and I really didn't know what to expect. I'm not so sure that I'm any more enlightened now, but I guess I can still share my insights with the '06s who will experience Green Key for the first time. First of all, be prepared for pretty much anything. You really can't know what to expect, but I'd recommend hanging at Food Court around noon to make fun of all the people stumbling around, assuming you're not stumbling yourself.

Maybe you just played a few games of pong or maybe you're still drunk from the night before. Whatever the case might be, the whole situation will definitely be quite amusing. At least for those of us who will be coherent enough to realize what's going on.

Try to forget about all the work you probably should be doing. No one else is doing work either, so we're all in the same boat. But it's okay, you won't regret it, I promise. After all, misery does love company, so I'm sure we'll all be miserable together, come Sunday night. Go to see one of the bands this weekend -- I'm sure they'll be cool and weather permitting, it should be great to chill with a band outside.

Oh and girls, one thing to consider " boas shed. A lot. Just something to keep in mind. Bottom line, I guess, is just hang out, enjoy yourself, don't question anything. It'll be a fun time.

Green Key holds a special place in my heart and is definitely one of my favorite Dartmouth traditions. I had a blast last year and I intend to do the same this year, especially as this weekend, I am officially going to become a decrepit woman of 20. Don't worry, I think I'm coming to terms with it.

And as you can imagine, this weekend is going to be a haze for me, but I'll be sure to enjoy every moment of it. And hopefully, all of you will do the same. Go out, do something crazy, give me something to laugh at. And don't worry about embarrassing yourself " no one's going to remember, anyway.