If the current tensions between the United States and Iraq weren't so deadly serious, the situation would be downright comical. It has all the makings of a Shakespearian farce: George W. Bush's impish smirk, hand-wringing diplomats at an impotent United Nations and Saddam Hussein's almost daily reversals on weapons inspection. Only the looming threat of an Iraqi nuclear attack intervenes to kill the humor.
Even with global conflict hovering on the horizon, it was hard not to chuckle last week when Iraqi Vice President Taha Yassin Ramadan went on television to propose his solution to the pending international crisis. Ramadan suggested that U.S. President George W. Bush and Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein should settle their nations' dispute with a duel to the death -- an old fashioned, 20-paces-then-turn-and-fire duel.
Ramadan, who wore his military uniform -- and according to the reporters present, a straight face -- to call out the leader of the free world, said to the Associated Press: "Both groups should use the same weapons, a president against a president, a vice president against a vice president, and a duel takes place." Ramadan did not specify whether he or fellow Iraqi Vice President Taha Muhie-eldin Marouf would be the one to face courageously America's Dick Cheney, a 61-year-old with heart disease.
To ensure a fair fight, Ramadan suggested that the duel be held in a neutral nation, and that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan be present as referee. He said such a duel would save the American and Iraqi populations from the dangers of war. It's good to know that the Iraqi government is taking the current situation so seriously.
The offer to duel comes as a bit of a surprise, though. After all the effort the Iraqi government spent trying to convince the world that Bush is some kind of simplistic cowboy, it's strange that Hussein didn't think twice about challenging the US president to a shootout at high noon. It seems even more ludicrous since, on paper, the featured bout of Dubya versus Saddam looks like a mismatch on par with pitting Mike Tyson versus Mike Wallace.
Hussein is pushing 65, and chances are that the palatial lifestyle he treats himself to at the expense of millions of poor Iraqis has softened the dictator up a bit. And the "New York Daily News" reported that Saddam's mistress claims the strongman now needs Viagra -- a sign that decades of murder and mayhem may have taken a toll on the despot's physique. Bush, on the other hand, is 56-years-young and an avowed fitness fanatic -- he jogs several seven-minute miles each day, and was recently featured on the cover of "Runner's World" magazine.
However, Hussein's vicepresident (read: mouthpiece) did not announce what the weapon of choice would be. Saddam might pick pretzels, with which Bush has been known to struggle from time to time. Worse yet, he might challenge Bush to a spelling bee (though it's hard to see how one can spell an enemy to death).
But even if the Americans were allowed to pick the weapons, and even if the duel took place under Kofi Annan's watchful eye, Bush might still want to watch out for trickery from Saddam. Hussein hasn't shown much reluctance about reneging on UN monitored agreements -- like the dozen or so Security Council resolutions he is currently in violation of. Nor has he shown many scruples about fighting dirty -- Hussein did, after all, invade multiple countries without provocation, set the oilfields ablaze as he retreated from Kuwait, use chemical weapons against his own citizens and plot to assassinate the former President Bush in 1993. Hussein also has three body doubles to confuse would-be assassins, so there's no guarantee that one of them wouldn't show up to fight while the real Butcher of Baghdad watched the action on ESPN.
Maybe Bush ought to give Hussein the fight he's looking for, just not on the dictator's terms; maybe, in the coming weeks, Saddam will count off 20 final rhetorical paces towards war. But when he turns around, instead of being face-to-face with a single man, he just might find the artillery of the whole freedom-loving world leveled straight at him. That might not be the most sporting fight, but the starving children and tortured prisoners in Baghdad probably won't lose much sleep over it. They're probably excited that Hussein has finally called the world out, because now they can root for the away team.
