Come on everyone! Join me in the singing of our beloved alma mater:
"oooohhhh, Dartmouth give arawl (?)For-the-college-on-the-green, and the lone pine above her, and theloyalnymphs whoscrub her (?) give a rawl, give a rawlhave no fearfor the la, la-la la la-laaa, la la-la la la-laaa"
Well, anyway, I'm sure you all know the rest of the words. How do I know this? Because singing the alma mater is a tradition! That's right, as you have undoubtedly noticed, this campus is infested with traditions...like so many little insects, they scurry under the refrigerator of our hearts and chew holes through the sweater of our everyday lives. We should all learn to cherish the great moments in the history of our college's time-honored rituals, for example:
NOVEMBER 1769: College president Ebenezer Dartmouth declares that on the night of the first snowfall there will be a giant snowball fight on The Greenhe then later adds that the loser of this fight will be killed and eaten when the school runs out of food during the harsh six-month winter.
MARCH 1945: Students walking through the Hopkins Center discover that rubbing the nose of Warner Bentley will bring them good luck.
APRIL 1945: After Hopkins Center security guard Warner Bentley retires to seek treatment for severe facial abrasions, a bronze bust of his head is placed in his honor and the nose-rubbing tradition starts once again.
OCTOBER 1997: Newly appointed President James Wright declares that all incoming freshmen are required to attend an "Experience Dartmouth" presentation during orientation weekhe then later adds that the last person to arrive at this presentation will be killed and eaten when the school runs out of food during the harsh six-month winter.
The point I'm of course trying to make is that Dartmouth has a lot of traditions. In fact, I remember that during my freshman year it was difficult to try to keep up with all that was expected of us. Sure, we all knew the popular rituals like "running around the bonfire," "rushing the field," "embezzling $23,000 from the Tucker Foundation to start an internet porn company" or "wearing green to the Homecoming football game," but what about the more obscure traditions that we didn't hear about as much? It would be a real travesty to let these little pieces of Dartmouth history fade away due to lack of recognition -- so as a public service to the Class of 2005, I am going review the little known, yet important, Dartmouth winter traditions:
FULL MOON SOLSTICE FESTIVAL: Whenever there is a full moon during the winter months, the entire freshmen class traditionally gathers on the glistening moon-lit snow of the Green at 10:00 p.m. sharp. They say not a word, but silently bursting with school pride they march to the Fayerweather dorm complex and proceed to vacuum and dust my room, being ever so careful not to disturb my watching of "Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage."
THREE DAYS OF GLORY: Throughout the winter term, every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday afternoon, the freshman class customarily congregates at the Bema to share stories of their day and to sing cherished Dartmouth songs. When the sun finally sets and the crowd finishes their last rousing chorus of
"Dear Dartmouth," they select from amongst themselves he or she who possesses the most impressive mathematical mind this individual then triumphantly journeys to my dorm room to help me figure out my CS 21 problem set before it's due the next day.
WINTER CARNIVAL RAFFLE: Everyone knows of Dartmouth's famed Winter Carnival celebration, but not everyone has heard of the annual Winter Carnival raffle. During the Carnival, everyone in the freshmen class buys $50 dollar raffle tickets, then on the last day of festivities one name is drawn from the collected tickets this lucky winner gets to deliver to me the raffle money so I can buy a new car.
DAY OF SACRIFICE: On one special occasion during winter term, everyone stays in their dorm for the entire day, wearing the same sweatpants and t-shirt they put on when they first woke up they promise themselves that they will soon go to the gym, shower, and then hike over to the library to study, but instead they find themselves ordering EBAs breadsticks for their lunch/dinner again, and end up watching "Elimi-Date" reruns on the WB all day instead of actually getting any school work done oh wait, my mistake, that's every day of winter term.
Well, it looks like that about covers it. I've gone over all the important traditions that help shape the stirring spirit of this college that we love so much. Now that you know all of our rituals, you can walk with your head held high, wearing Dartmouth Green, whistling the alma mater, and giving a nod of understanding to every fellow student and alumni you meetand while you're at it, use a little Windex when you dust my computer; I like when it looks shiny.