News Summary

by Hemant Joshi | 10/31/01 6:00am

The bombing in Afghanistan continued today, with target cities such as Kabul and Kandahar suffering especially fierce air strikes. American warplanes used some $50 million worth of sophisticated military equipment in today's raids, and managed to knock out the ruling Taliban's main goat-herding facility. "We are now confident that the Taliban's ability to raise goats has been severely diminished," a spokesman said.

Independent sources confirmed that two of the allied missiles used in today's attacks struck a Red Cross camp. This is the 14th time the camp has been hit in the four-week operation against terrorism. A U.S. official, speaking under of the condition of anonymity, denied that the Red Cross camp was a target. "We're actually trying to hit those military thingies that we think might be near that camp, but we're not really sure."

Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the ruling Taliban, located in a bunker at the center of the earth, leaders denounced the American attacks as a war against humanity. "This United States monster is attacking us for no reason. We've never done anything wrong. We sit here and offer freedom to those who need it. Osama bin Laden needed freedom, so we offered it. Thus we are more freedom-loving than the United States is." The United States had no verbal response but did drop a bomb in the general area of the bunker after receiving the statement.

South of Afghanistan in Karachi, Pakistan, Gen. Pervez Musharraf, the leader of Pakistan who seized power from the democratically elected government in a 1999 coup, said that the bribe that the United States has paid Pakistan is only a short-term bribe, and that more bribes will be necessary if the United States wants to continue to have Pakistan's support.

"The United States has forgiven many of our debts and lifted the sanctions put in place when Pakistan tested nuclear weapons, and therefore we have allowed them to use our territory and pretended to give them support. But this deal was only for the short term, and we expect more if the United States wants to continue to have our support." "We'll do what it takes to appease the Pakistani dictator," a U.S. official said today.

At home, concerns are growing that the United States underestimated the Taliban resistance and overestimated its ability to bomb the hell out of Osama bin Laden. "We've been bombing them for weeks. I thought we'd kill them all in an hour or so," said a Tulsa man. He also added that he thought Afghanistan was the size of Rhode Island. Other public reaction was also generally confused, with many people mistaking the Taliban with the team that beat the Braves for the NL pennant, and mistaking Afghanistan with the gunk that gets stuck on the bottom of shoes. The Bush Administration hoped to calm such concerns and confusion by releasing a statement: "I know we said we'd get Osama way in the beginning, but we're not so sure about that anymore."

Confident that the United States and its allies would win the current war against the Taliban, American leaders have started talking about how to create a fair government for the country of Afghanistan after the war.

"We'll probably fund and help those Northern Alliance people for a while, and then when they beat the Taliban, we'll ditch them so that they hate us. After that they'll create their own state and commit acts of terrorism against us. It's quite simple -- we'll do the same thing we've done in the past over and over," an administration official commented.

In Congress today, senators introduced a new bill to the Senate floor. The main provision in the bill -- the only provision in the bill -- the statement "Anthrax is bad," has received strong bipartisan support. "I think it's very important that the American people know that we agree with them 100 percent -- anthrax is a very bad thing. And with this measure we're gonna let anthrax know what we think about it," a senator stated. The bill is expected to pass tomorrow by a large majority, with only a few liberal Democrats saying they will vote against the measure because it generalizes by saying that all anthrax is bad.

Finally, various groups have expressed concerns about the media and its coverage of the ongoing war, with some organizations going as far as labeling current media coverage as propaganda. That is wrong. You should believe everything that you hear in Western news. The Western media is completely objective. This news article is an example of this objectivity.

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