Some Dartmouth students say that New Hampshire winters are nothing compared to those in Michigan and Minnesota and Maine. Some Dartmouth students walk around in shorts and flip flops in February. Some Dartmouth students also develop frostbite and hypothermia. Yes, you will find that a good portion of the members of the Class of 2005 were formerly polar bears. (Really intelligent, sensitive polar bears with a "variety of backgrounds, talents, and interests represented," though.)
But this column is dedicated to those hot-blooded members of the Class of 2005 from places like, say, California, Florida, Hawaii, the South and Texas because, well, we are special. We must huddle together and throw off the weather prejudice of New Englanders who are just jealous of our fabulous locales. We must also huddle together in a large mass to conserve our heat.
I am from Miami. As I sit at the beach typing this column, I contemplate how very hot I am. I urge all of you to go outside right now, go to the beach, go to a parking lot, go someplace, and revel in the heat, humid or dry, revel in sweat dripping off of your brow, revel in air so thick and hot you can't move. Because you will not be this hot until next summer. Before last fall, the coldest any part of my body had been was 40 degrees, and this was only when I stuck my head in the fridge during the summer. I traipsed off to Dartmouth last year assuming that cold was cold and that once the thermometer dropped below 30 degrees, it would all feel the same.
Alas. Alas. I was wrong. Cold is negative twenty degrees. Cold is determining whether it's below zero or not by how fast one's nose hairs freeze when one steps outside. Cold is developing frostnip on the walk home because one forgot to cover one's ears.
I've compiled some tips and hints for you to keep in mind this next year. As you're having an amazing time checking BlitzMail every 2.5 seconds and exploring your newfound freedom, remember to enjoy all of the unique things that Dartmouth has to offer. Like snow. Here are my helpful suggestions for how to get through your first sub-zero winter.
Tip one: long underwear and stupid fleece hats. Wear them all the time. I put on my first pair of long underwear in November and didn't walk out without some on until after spring break. At some point, even if you wear long underwear, you will find yourself throwing all of your clothes on your body, layering until your arms don't move anymore. Warmth is far more important than style or looks. I recommend emulating a goose-down comforter when you dress this winter. If you're not as bulky as your bedspread, you're not wearing enough layers.
Tip two: remember to sigh loudly and say things like "well, it never gets this cold in ________ (Miami, Maui, Malibu, etc.)" Everyone especially loves it if you can ramble on about lying on the beach over winter break.
Tip three: without fail, you will slip and fall on the ice at least once this winter. These zany northerners put salt on their roads and sidewalks to melt the ice. As far as I can see, this just makes for salty roads and sidewalks. You will probably slip as you step out of the library at the precise and only time that the entire senior and junior classes are walking by. Someone will invariably have a video camera.
Tip four: Snow is not, I repeat, is not just like cold sand. Stop laughing. It really looks like cold sand. I repeatedly thought that it would thus have the same properties as sand, only colder. I was wrong. So do not step out into three-foot snow banks expecting it to support your weight, as I did seven times last winter. This accumulation of snow is not solid like a beach and you will sink in to your hips.
Tip five: www.weather. com will become your new best friend. Every morning you will jump out of bed and, instead of looking out the window or stepping outside, you will go to your computer and see what the weather channel has to say. It usually says: "low: -10, windchill: -30." But you will check it every morning, sometimes before and after you shower, in the hopes that the site will say something like "80 degrees and partly sunny." And if one day in January it miraculously says this, regardless of whether or not there is snow falling outside, you will throw on a pair of shorts.
Tip six: Collis baked goods act as antifreeze for your body; the more cookie dough brownies you eat, the warmer your body stays. This is probably not the healthiest tip on the list.
Tip seven: if all else fails, have someone from someplace really cold check you out before you leave every morning. I walked down the hall to my friend Brian's room (he's from Minnesota) every morning to say "Brian, am I okay for today?" He would look me over, inquire as to how many layers I had on and what their materials were, and invariably tell me to remove something and then say "oh, wait. You're from Miami. Better leave all of that on. You should add a fleece vest, though." It's a sure-fire way to stay warm.
Tip eight: have fun. You don't have to shovel any driveways, you don't have to deal with driving on ice, so get out there and make a snow angel or go ice skating on Occom Pond. Everyone will assume that you ski when you return home from Dartmouth, so don't disappoint them. You can take ski lessons for P.E. credit. You can learn how to figure skate or cross-country ski, all for P.E. credit. You can make a fool of yourself in front of the Ski Team or Ski Patrol, all for credit. Take advantage of all that cold P.E. credit.
As cold as you will be, you will have fun in the snow. I will be on campus every winter because I had so much fun last year. If you find yourself not having fun this winter, blitz me, and we'll do something fun together. I'll take you sledding if you're really lucky. Watching the leaves change in the fall is absolutely astonishing: enjoying the four seasons for the first time is awesome. Spring is gorgeous: lilacs perfume the air and little green shoots pry themselves out of the ground.
So have a great end-of-summer, pack lightly and enjoy the beginning of your Dartmouth career. Go crazy on your freshmen trip, make loads of friends and have a wonderful year. Try new things. But be sure to cover your extremities and head this winter. A brain is a terrible thing to freeze.
