A Lazy Person's Dream

by Linda Romano | 5/18/01 5:00am

It's my last Green Key and since it's my favorite Dartmouthism, I'm feeling kind of nostalgic. Actually, that's not the right word. I'm feeling kind of confused, mostly because I have no idea what it is that I am about to celebrate this weekend, let alone why I'm nostalgic about it. I know what Homecoming means, and I realize that Winter Carnival is just a way to trap us into celebrating the fact that we go to school in the tundra. But I have no clue how to write about Green Key without sounding like a complete waste of space and purpose.

The main reason for this is because Green Key is basically an alcoholic barbecue. Sorry folks; I don't mean to further increase this institution's already esteemed reputation, but that's the essence of the weekend, and that's basically why I love it so much. It's not really the drinking and burgers that I like (OK, yes, it's kind of the burgers), it's just the way we manage to rally around the utter pointlessness of it all; good for us! There's none of that tradition stuff to get in the way of my good time; I don't have to feel unspirited if I sleep through the football game, and there are none of those eight-foot snowdrifts to deter me on my way from party to party. There's nothing. It's a lazy person's dream.

However, don't be fooled by the lack of structure. In order to best enjoy this weekend, you must do a few things. First of all, don't go to class on Friday. Stop your whining, just don't go. Yes, I am a horrible person for suggesting this. Heaven forbid we miss a class. But face it: you don't want to be there, so why not spend a little quality time with Mr. Pillow (he's feeling rather unappreciated during this second-round midterm season. Show him the loving he so rightly deserves). Besides, if you go to class on Friday, you may not be strong enough to last long on Friday night; surely your professors won't object if you miss class for health reasons.

You also have to get your crappy clothes out for the Lawn Party on Saturday. I don't mean the "I'm going to stay home all day and watch Scooby Doo" crappy clothes that only your very closest friends can bear to look at without turning to stone. I am talking about the "I'm going to take just as much time as I take to dress up to dress down today and won't everyone think it's cute" crappy clothes that I KNOW everyone has space in their closets for. These are the kinds of clothes that are only made cuter by mud splatters, which are, of course, going to hit you as you jockey for space amongst your fellow students and those ragers from Hanover High.

In between the Lawn Party lull and Saturday night's closing ceremonies, I suggest a trip to Food Court. Trust me, it will be amusing. If you're sober, there are going to be people around you who aren't -- and if they're as smart as my friends, they're going to decide that they can ONLY drink bright red beverages that they don't have the motor skills to lift to their mouths.

Whether or not you listen to this advice, the weekend is yours in a way that most weekends are not -- just about all of the people around you won't be doing work, so you won't feel too guilty for the fun you have, and you can have lots of it. Have a barbecue, go for a hike, sit out on the Green and do nothing -- don't read for class, don't think, just sit and bask. For the lucky ones, it may be one of the last truly free weekends you have. For people like me, it may be the last truly free weekend I have until I come back for Homecoming. Bring it on.