As I sat here during my off term trying to decide which lucky topic would provide the focus of this scintillating op-ed, I came to a sobering conclusion: I don't have any opinions. Or any interesting ones anyway. Then, remembering that it was my former roommate who press-ganged me into forcing my meanderings down the collective gullet of the Dartmouth community, I decided to reflect on the advantages and disadvantages of roommates.
Let's face it, roommates are a blight on humanity. They stay up until all hours of the night, eating pizza-flavored Pringles by the can (meaning can after can, not near the toilet, although I wouldn't put that past them either) and looking at offensive things on the Internet. They sleep in until four every day, watch bad movies with the word "Porky's" in the title while you're trying to study, and play cheesy eighties hair metal so loudly that your head feels like it would if you told your barber to "just take a little off the top" only to realize too late that your barber is, in fact, Hannibal Lecter. And this is just me I'm talking about; you should see how badly my past roommates behaved.
The point is this: if you decide (or if the college decides for you) to live with someone for a term or three, you're setting yourself up for a potential disaster surpassed only by Keanu Reeves' attempt at a British accent in "Dracula." Today's college students are the progeny of a generation that took one look at their grotesque firstborn, asked the doctor if it was supposed to have hoofed feet, and decided they didn't need to have any more children (note: if you say this is offensive you are thereby admitting you are ugly). The result is that the average Dartmouth student grew up having few or no siblings, and didn't have to share a straw pallet with Jebediah, Obediah, Ezekiel, Hezekiah, Caleb, Jacob, Dweezil, Sleepy and Adolf (before the name abruptly went out of fashion) as your average child of the American frontier had to do. Once they reach college age, these little shavers and shaverettes converge on campuses across the country firmly convinced that, in the immortal words of Charlton Heston, they "truly are the king of kings."
Now you have people living in cramped, Eastern Bloc type conditions, eyeing each other suspiciously. They're faced with the startling realization that this strange person (or friend for post-freshman housing) is not their mother and does not think their Joe Pesci impersonation is the greatest innovation since the urinal cake (or they do think so, depending on your opinion of urinal cakes). One may have a hankering for the phat beats of Britney and N'Sync, while the other may long for the profound strains of your Eve 20 or your Matchbox Venetian Blind (I say Parkhurst them both, burn their dorm room to the ground, and salt the earth so nothing will grow for a thousand years). There are going to have to be some compromises if one hopes to achieve dtente (just to continue the creepy Eastern Bloc imagery).
If these compromises can be made (and they often are, thankfully) then roommates are a great, perhaps essential, element of a truly fulfilling Dartmouth experience (never bathing and living in Sudikoff is an essential element of an unfulfilling Dartmouth experience). For all their strange habits and insensitive lapses, roommates are great to have around as companions, sounding boards for ideas, and most of all, friends (please shed a single tear here). I've definitely enjoyed myself more at Dartmouth thanks to my roommates, and I'd like to think they feel the same way about me (I'd also like to be Sean Connery while we're at it). Besides, who wants to be alone all the time? I always see these seniors who have singles, and I can't help but feel sorry for them. Sure, they say that they enjoy the privacy and freedom, but there's no denying that hollow look, the sunken eye sockets, the unshaven, unwashed appearance, and the timid mannerisms whenever they skitter down the hall to take a break from working on their thesis (thesis being from the Old English word meaning "pipe bombs").
I guess roommates are actually a pretty good thing. Sure, there's always the risk you'll get one who'll seem like a nice guy until he casually says he wants to pick your brain as you realize he looks a lot like that crazy barber of yours. And roommates will always have their own interests and quirky habits, but it's precisely these differences that make them so interesting. One of the great things this school has going for it is the wide range of personalities, backgrounds and interests. People should revel in their weird habits and wallow in their quirkiness. So pass the Pringles and welcome to the jungle, baby!
