I would like to extend my warmest welcome to all of the new members of our Dartmouth community. I say this not just because I want to help make the '04s feel at home in a strange new place, but also because the last time I wrote an article about the freshmen (in this case the '02s on my floor two years ago), they got so bent out of shape that a couple of them still bear a grudge.
Now mind you, I was just trying to impart a little upperclass wisdom about how to fit into the Dartmouth community -- "turn down your goddamn music or I am going to come hit you with a baseball bat" was how I phrased it, I think.
Shortly after the article ran, a bunch of shmen formed a cute little lynch-shmob and marched down the hall to my door (as my friends who lived across the hall later informed me). They wrote a scathing, and largely correctly punctuated, message on my dry erase board.
It began, "Dear Rob Valet Parking," which I thought was pretty funny. Nothing makes me laugh like a joke I have heard TEN BILLION TIMES SINCE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Apparently when they picked that year's class, Dean Furstenberg and the gang over in Admissions were willing to overlook deficient originality as long as the candidates in question knew how to operate a stereo at high decibel levels, which believe me the shmen on my floor did.
The dry erase magnum opus that awaited me on my room's door went on to enumerate my numerous faults, including my "David Spade haircut" and my "froo-froo bathrobe." I didn't mind so much about the David Spade, but the bathrobe comment hit a little close to home. Now admittedly the robe's stripes were a little on the "froo-froo" side, but honestly, who keeps track of who wears what bathrobe to the shower? Another guy on the floor had a pink bathrobe with white frilly ruffles on it, and nobody gave him a hard time about it.
Besides, my bathrobe was warm and comfortable, and I had nothing to do with the robe's pattern, since my mom bought it for me for Christmas years ago. Nevertheless, I was sufficiently embarrassed that I promptly switched to my other robe.
After the message finished making fun of my poor bathrobe, it concluded, "We would like to invite you and your friends to a party. We provide the Brammstein and the whoop-ass. Signed, the annoying shmen."
I think they meant "Rommstein," the scary German band, but who am I to correct a message board rant? Anyhow, I bet nothing spoils a little lynch-shmob fun like not being able to remember how you spell "Rommstein."
In order to avoid any repeat incidents with this year's freshmen, I will be nothing but complimentary and helpful.
First, the complimentary part. You are all so wonderful! They didn't make up the stuff they said in that letter they sent you about being the smartest, most well-rounded class ever. Even though the '01s, '02s, and '03s received the same letter, I am sure they at least bothered to plug in the correct verbal and math SAT averages before they printed your letter. They probably also had to edit the part about how your class has a professional juggler, an award-winning bagpipe player, and a pig farmer, unless they make sure to admit precisely one of each every year. And another special surprise: even though they are trying to keep this "low key," word on the street is that Jesus Christ is one of your fellow matriculants! He chose Dartmouth over Harvard and Stanford for the site of the Second Coming. You're all so wonderful!
And now the part where I am helpful. Among my many pearls of upperclass wisdom:
After a week or two, once the weather cools off, everyone will get a cold. Since no one can smell anything, you can discontinue showering and doing your laundry at that point. Think of all the time that will save!
You know that Food Court food that tastes so yummy right now? Believe me, it gets old after four years of re-runs. The trick here is to supplement your DDS diet with a healthy dose of food that they will deliver to your room, such as Ramuntos or EBAs. One of my friends claims that, his freshman fall, he spent over $700 dollars on EBAs, which also (I am not making this up) qualified him for several special prize T-shirts from EBAs. I imagine the shirts said, "biggest idiot of the term award." On second thought, maybe all of this is not such a good idea.
So in summary, you '04s are indeed the best class ever and I hope you have a wonderful freshman fall here at Dartmouth! Please don't write on my message board.
