If you are the type of person who has been waiting your entire life to see a 300-pound schizophrenic man from Chicago break into the rock music scene, how sad is that?
In unrelated news, a 300-pound schizophrenic man from Chicago has -- this is an actual fact -- broken into the rock music scene and let me be the first to say, I have been waiting my whole life for this.
Now, some obvious questions arise. This man is a successful artist? He is insane? And furthermore, somebody recently led him onto a scale? Eric, are you getting your information from an elderly chicken? These inquiries all seem valid, and so as always, we will ignore them.
However, if you are still dying to know who this mega-rock star is, look no further than the name "Wesley." Okay, look a little further, because his last name is "Willis." We don't want you calling random 300-pound schizophrenics named Wesley in the middle of the night, only to discover that they're the wrong Wesley.
What separates Wesley Willis from the rest of the mainstream music industry? The answer is, to be overly precise: "the answer." Mr. Willis is certainly not your average pop singer. Your average pop singer is, by all accounts, The Backstreet Boys, which makes it perfectly okay for your average pop singer to be hit by a snow plow. We would also want Wesley to be hit by a snow plow, but for different reasons. Namely, that the experience would soon be turned into a mega-rock hit, with the following lyrics (roughly):
Once upon a time I was hit by a snow plow.
That snow plow came out of nowhere.
It hit me hard.
Stupid stinking snow plow.
Sheer genius! Three burgers for Wesley! At this point in the song, our newfound star would croon the name of the vehicle (i.e. SNOWWW PLOOOOWWWWWW...) any number of times. It's pretty much up to him. It varies by song.
Then, toward the end of every piece, as if he could somehow TOP this performance, our large and in charge diva patiently waits for the key moment where his synthesizer is perilously close to shutting down, and gleefully belts out his mantra: "Rock over London, Rock on Chicago!" Most singers would stop right here, feeling themselves to have engineered yet another classic. BUT WESLEY IS STILL NOT DONE! Yeeha. As a complete favor to people he has assuredly never met, he then tacks on a product slogan, such as: "Folgers. Good To The Last Drop." (Taken from "Kris Kringle Was A Car Thief").
At this point, you might maintain that our beloved Wesley Willis is not, like his grandfather, the proud possessor of "talent." If so, I ask you to look at things from a greater perspective: Wesley weighs as much as 12 Fiona Apples. Also, he has a true and highly moralistic social agenda, as evident by hits like "I'm Sorry That I Got Fat," "Merry Christmas" and "Vampire Bat." And finally, according to him, Mr. Willis has soundly Whooped Batman's (Butt). Plain and simply, as he puts it, the superhero "got on Wesley's nerves." What other taxpayer would gleefully recount, to the public, his epic struggles against a cartoon character? Forthright, yet poetic, yet honest, yet it fully appears that Mr. Willis has little to no idea of what he is actually saying three-fourths of the time. Which is a potential downside, considering that this qualifies him for the U.S. Senate.
Wesley hit the peak of his stardom around 1995 when it was determined that he was not dead. Currently, his monotonously automatic keyboard accompaniment, random product jingles, and witty, laid-back style (of shouting) all lead without fail to only one possibility: Wesley Willis must be brought to Dartmouth! A massive contingent of two students is working feverishly at this very task, provided we are not hungry. So, if you share our vision, please contact the Programming Board! Tell them whatever you like. Just don't say the name "Eric Del Pozo."
You can learn more about Wesley Willis by visiting your local Public Library. That is, if you believe lies. Instead, you can learn about him on the internet. He can probably also use the Internet to learn about you. Don't like the Internet as much any more, do you?.
In addition, if you want to hear any of Wesley's joyful and harmonious music, I can personally send to you nearly any of his singles, in MP3 format. But since sending MP3's is illegal, I will hand them to you in a box. (WINK.)
Finally, you can have your Backstreet Boys.
Rock over London, Rock on Chicago! (Mitsubishi. Word Is Getting Around.)
