Since it seems like everyone on Earth, and even other planets, in fact the whole entire universe when it comes right down to it, is extremely concerned with the upcoming Trustees' Social Initiative, I figure it is only my duty to use this valuable space in our campus newspaper to talk about "The Matrix".
In case you have been living in a place without movies for the past several months (for example a cave, without movies), "The Matrix" was last season's number one critically acclaimed Hollywood Mega-Blockbuster science fiction hit, narrowly edging out some of last year's other critically acclaimed Hollywood Mega-Blockbuster science fiction hits, such as "Milo And Otis Visit the Swamp". As one of my floormates so eloquently put it last week, "The Matrix" contains "the world's worst actor in the world's greatest cyber-action flick." But we are also quick to point out that this person refers to herself -- this is an actual fact -- as "Critter." (She's nice.)
What makes "The Matrix" such a favorite of critics and fans alike is that it has many endearing qualities, the least of which being that most high school students cannot, for the life of them, complete any mathematical functions having to do with it. The story revolves around the film's main character, Neo (literal translation: "Bill and Ted"), portrayed deftly by Keanu Reeves. Or at least it appears that he is deaf. Nonetheless, about ten minutes into the action, Neo has a revelation: things may not really be as they seem! This is because he has already read the screenplay, and it is good. "I should most certainly not be in this movie, but it seems that I am," ponders Neo, who is well aware that if at any point during the movie his IQ slips beneath 50, a bus will explode, thus ending the career of Sandra Bullock (for a record fifth time).
Unfulfilled by his existence, and knowing that there may be something more out there, perhaps a higher truth, Neo takes a nap. But not before he meets a man named Morpheus, played by Laurence Fishburn, played by Samuel L. Jackson. Morpheus informs Neo that he is the ONE, and Neo is amazed by this new title, because it contains exactly the same letters as does NEO. Which leads everyone to the movie's Key and Pivotal scene, where many units of plot are revealed via the following poignant dialogue:
Morpheus: "Neo, the actual true world is controlled by a race of Artificial Intelligence, and people are all slaves in pods."
Neo: "Whoa!"
Morpheus: "You are the only hope of the human race."
Neo: "Whoa!"
Morpheus: "We couldn't get Patrick Swayze."
Neo: "Dude."
Thus Neo discovers that the world that humans know, normally portrayed by Earth, is a big hoax! People are actually all being fooled by an elaborate evil computer program called the Matrix, played by an elaborate evil computer program called Microsoft Windows '98. Neo is, as a result, given a special choice: he can take the red pill, represented by a blue bill, and leave the Matrix for the dismal reality of having to fight loads of scary things. Or he can take the blue pill, represented by a large unruly horse, and start a thriving career in rodeo.
What is Neo to do? Who cares! We have a classical philosophical problem on our hands now. Philosophers throughout the ages have been struggling with this problem, and many of them have never even seen "The Matrix," so this should tell you just how important of a problem we are dealing with here. It is called the "You might be a brain in a vat" problem. Here it is, in rough outline form:
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You might not be a real person.
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You might be a brain in a vat.
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Ha ha on you.
This argument is troubling to me, for a number of reasons. That number is zero. It should be troubling to you, on the other hand, because note that nowhere in the argument does it say that I might be a brain in a vat. Just you. If this brains-in-vats argument is true, then you are simply (follow me here) a brain in a vat. Which would mean that everything that has ever happened to you, in your entire life, could very well have been the result of electronic impulses delivered to your vat. Which would have a bright side, namely that I would no longer owe you five dollars.
I am forced to admit, however, that I for one am not convinced. Who is to say what we really are? We could very well be grains in vats. Or stains in vats! Or, at the very least, drains in vats. (Probably not trains in vats -- that's pushing it.) Can you imagine Claire Danes in a vat? But I digress.
In any event, whatever we happen to be, we are undoubtedly in vats, I'll concede that. But that is not what is at issue here. What is at issue here is that you should run to your local video store (in a vat) and rent "The Matrix." It is a good movie. Be sure to close the cave door on your way out. Whoa. Dude.
