To the Editor:
With the recent announcement that fraternities and sororities are to be made coed or be destroyed in the name of inclusiveness and community, there has come to light a hint of the progression to come that will deliver Dartmouth from its unhappy state of diversity and choice to a shining, golden homogeneity. Much like the five year plans of Stalinist Russia, or the Five Steps to Success! plans of Tony Robbins, Dartmouth will embark upon its exodus to the Promised Land following five easy steps once the Greek houses have been mulched and composted back into the fold.
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Close all the secret and senior societies. These institutions are so exclusive that one must be chosen to be in them through tapping. This cannot be tolerated in a place with a happy sense of one self.
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End all affinity programs and dispose of Greek societies historically affiliated with one race. So long to Alpha Phi Alpha, for after initially hedging and preserving these organizations, the Trustees inevitably come to the conclusion that if they cannot allow exclusivity based on gender, they certainly cannot allow students to organize along racial and ethnic lines. All student organizations soon follow suit, for why should groups such as the DOC be only for lovers of the outdoors? They must be destroyed and so cleansed of their exclusiveness.
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The creation of the MegaDorm. In order to have equal housing on campus for all students and to encourage their interaction, one gigantic 4,000 bed megadorm will be built. Featuring a warehouse-like appearance, the MegaDorm has no walls inside of it because walls separate, and the restrooms will of course be unisex.
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The abolition of majors. In the pursuit of a campus "where the entire community can share more fully in the community," it becomes apparent that students naturally segregate along the lines of their majors. In order to foster a student population that can relate on all issues and subject, the current plethora of major options is replaced with The Major, a liberal arts curriculum that will be the option for all students. No longer will CS majors toil in Sudikoff while the English majors sip tea in Sanborn. They shall all take the same classes together and so share a common experience and understanding.
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The end of competitive admissions. One beautiful day, the Trustees will look into the mirror and realize that Dartmouth is one of the most exclusive institutions of higher learning in the world. Armed with this new knowledge, all living human beings, artificial intelligence computer systems, and chimpanzees knowledgeable in sign language will be granted access to the school based on a lottery system.
The gauntlet has been laid down and the die cast in the Chosen direction. Onward to our glorious future!
