Lately I've been thinking about the ways that I've grown and changed since I've been at Dartmouth. I don't know exactly what spurred my introspection. Perhaps meeting the '02s this term has caused it, but more likely it's been Religion 1 and Professor Hericks's lecture on the college years as the time "betwixt and between" childhood and adulthood.
Hericks gave some examples of how people react to the transition between stages of life. He suggested that some dye their hair, and others become vegetarians. Okay, so I've tried both. I did stop short of the other examples, such as piercings and tattoos.
At certain moments, I become cognizant that I am indeed becoming an adult. I first noticed this when I took my lunch breaks during my nine to five internship last spring. I became increasingly aware of it while I was in Scotland, shopping at the local grocery store, and hosting dinner parties. At one such event, a chocolate fondue party, one of the guests brought a bottle of red wine. Although we drank the wine out of mugs and not crystal goblets, something about the total experience made me feel rather adult, and it sort of disturbed me. The next day, I went out in search of an outrageously colored hair dye, but I then talked myself out of it.
I'm very different from the person that I was during the college application process. Then, I knew that I wanted to flee far from the suburbs. I briefly considered going to school in a city, but the thought of being a small person in a huge place scared me half to death. Dartmouth seemed like the perfect choice. Now that I'm in my third year and have spent time living in cities both in the U.S. and abroad, it is being a large person in a small town that scares me. For some reason, I sometimes find more comfort in the anonymity of a big city than I take in recognizing the faces that I pass on the street. I don't regret coming to Dartmouth, because I know that the experiences I've had here, both positive and negative, have made me a stronger and more caring person.
These last few years have been a definite roller coaster ride. During just the past year, I climbed miles up into the Swiss Alps, but also fell into pits of varying depths, and remained in some for quite awhile. I put my complete trust into individuals, only to have the confidence shattered and my faith in humanity temporarily shaken. On a happier note, friendships that I thought were broken beyond repair have been patched up and made stronger through the struggles. Life teaches me new things every day, but I must confess that sometime I am a reluctant pupil.
I have also compartmentalized my Dartmouth experience for easy reference. Freshman fall and winter: I worked hard and played hard. Freshmen spring: I played hard and skipped more classes then I attended. Sophomore fall and winter: I studied so hard that I made myself miserable. Sophomore spring: I had an incredible Tucker Fellowship experience. Sophomore summer: the weather was nice but I worked so hard that I never experienced it. Junior fall: I had an amazing time in Edinburgh. Finally, junior winter: I'm having lots of fun, not working too hard, and boring my friends, acquaintances, and strangers with stories about how great my two terms away from Hanover were.
I'm now contemplating life beyond Dartmouth. When I was at my aunt's house on Christmas, my relatives kept asking me what I was planning on doing with the rest of my life. I told them that I was considering various combinations of law, social work, and non-profit management. I received various lectures on the evils of idealism and the crime of indecisiveness. I alternated between hiding in the corner with the kielbasa sandwiches and telling my relatives exactly why their arguments were fundamentally flawed. At the end of the evening, I felt ill in more than one way. My relatives treated me like I was a naive child, but I tried to assert myself as a mature adult. I realize that nobody was wrong, because I have approximately equal amounts of both in me.
Of all the lessons that I've learned during my "betwixt and between" period, the one that I take the most comfort in is that I now know who I am, quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and all. I'm in love with Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't wear makeup. I'm an idealist. I'm oversensitive. I'm devoting my life to making the world a better place.
I'm now letting my hair return to its natural color. I eat meat and like it. I feel that I'm in the process of moving past this transitional period. Now that I've determined that me, small towns, and lots of schoolwork aren't the best combination, I'm quite looking forward to the next stage of my life. June 2000 is still a long way away, so I'm going to make the best of the next year. I'm sure I can come up with some fun, obnoxious rebellions that I haven't tried yet. Maybe there's even time to get that nose ring.
