Coming from mixed, apostate parentage -- an Irish Catholic mother and a Jewish father -- I've grown up with a rather secular outlook on life. I have an interesting, albeit not uncommon, cultural heritage. From my mother perhaps I get a better day-by-day carriage, free from shouts of sporadic pains and the possibility of cancer in every aching limb.
From my father I might derive a better holistic slant on life (pardon the L. Ron Hubbard phraseology), sans eternal damnation and hairy palms at every sinful corner. My take on values and morals and ethics, all in some way stemming from both my parents, has been influenced more by practicality and conscience than by faith. This is not to say I don't have a spiritual side.
On the contrary, my disbelief in the assemblage of the "Eternal Mob" -- as H.L. Mencken put it so well -- is more of an antiheroic, post-modern cynicism with a twist of flippancy (as you may gather from the phrase, "antiheroic, post-modern cynicism"). Admittedly, this column is written from an ignorant, light-hearted perspective. Let's blame television. But really, there is something to be said for heterogenous offspring like myself. And that is ...
Religion is a very nasty thing. Throughout history it has incited the bloodiest of wars, caused the mass genocides of various peoples, suppressed the noblest of liberal thought and, of course, lengthily consumed perfectly good Sunday mornings. Indeed, religion is a very bad idea. The only thing worse, perhaps, is organized religion. After all, how could all those addled religious followers fight all those wars, cause all those mass genocides and suppress all those thoughts without some kind of clever grouping or ensemble cast? Richard the Lionheart would have looked awfully loony up there on his horse alone facing a bunch of angry Turks. And, for that matter, were that there not parents working in aggregate, we could all sleep in and watch Cokie Roberts on those glorious Sunday mornings.
Even though religion comes in various forms -- Catholicism, Judaism, Buddhism, etc. -- it is still generally a uniform kind of fatuity. Individuality, we mustn't forget, is not a part of religion because the very essence of having a religion is having a bunch of like-minded people doing exactly the same thing to ensure they all go to the same place when they're dead. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to spend eternity and beyond with Phil Gramm, regardless of how many famous nitwits he's served as metaphysical counsel to.
Religion, however, is silly for other reasons besides its inherent sameness. Take for instance, the Bible. The Bible is simply one great big book of anecdotes and witty proverbs (for that busy theologian on the go) by which one is expected to live one's life. Okay, fair enough. The Constitution of the United States is similar to some degree. Yet while we can read the U.S. Constitution in the privacy of our own homes whenever we're feeling particularly patriotic or want to make sure we can still shoot squirrels in the back yard, we're told it takes a church full of people to peruse the Holy Bible, every single week. That's ridiculous. But then, that's religion.
Religion is also bad because it speaks of abstaining from things that make you happy or arouse pleasure in you. Namely, sex. Oh sure, says religion, you can have lots and lots of sex when and if -- though you're not exactly given an option by religion (or your mother) -- you get married, so long as it leads to lots and lots of children for you to pass on your faith, ad maiorem Dei gloriam. Now, biological nature works much more cagily with the matter of sex, still maintaining the whole kids-as-a-consequence bit, but inviting random and vigorous intercourse whenever one chooses and with whomever one isn't very choosy about.
And that brings us to the age-old question: Which is better, Nature or Religion? Nature had us enter the world all naked and very comfortable about that. Religion told us to be ashamed of our nudity and put on some damn clothes! Even Jesus was once heard to mention, "What shall we wear?" Clothes cost money. And sex is more likely without them. So let's chalk one up for Nature.
Furthermore, Religion means feeling bad about your existence, even when you're having sex or shopping for a spring wardrobe at Bloomingdale's. Proclaims Religion, you're only to arrive at a perpetual state of happiness when you go to heaven -- and that's assuming you've felt sufficiently bad enough to make it into heaven; otherwise, and in a manner of speaking, to hell with you. Nature means "be here now" and live it up (proof if needed: just ask an irreligious puppy to stop licking himself).
Religion gives us guilt for not wearing clean underwear on those aforementioned Sunday mornings, suffering as a prevailing world view, and raving bugaboos like Jerry Falwell who tell us we're not looking to religion enough these days. Nature, on the other hand, gives us grapes for getting drunk, cows for making hamburgers, Christy Turlington for ... well, read one paragraph above, and cotton and trees for making money. Nature is more favorable if you think about it, except for one very important thing: Religion is tax-free.
