Things that Annoy Me: Part One

by Jeff Deck | 11/18/98 6:00am

This is, of course, a feature done in good humor. I am not a complainer by nature, only by trade. As Daniel Webster once said: "It is a small college, sirs, but there are those who love it and its numerous whiny-asses."

Here are some things that annoy me:

  1. E-mail forwards that threaten your life.

  2. Reubens. Sauerkraut sucks.

  3. People who can't spell "Reuben."

  4. When I tell the Food Court man I'd like "today's special du jour of the day" -- and he doesn't think it's funny.

  5. My own excessive procrastination.

  6. Classes that have tests and homework due on the same day.

  7. People that don't blitz you about important events, like whether you got that job or not. (You reading this, Koop Institute?).

  8. People who turn you down for a job. (See above parenthetical reference).

  9. People that walk too slow in front of you.

  10. People that walk too fast behind you.

  11. Bike people.

  12. People that live in my hard drive, who take advantage of my file sharing generosity.

  13. Bad-tasting tap water. (Who put metal and crap in the Woodward water supply? I think I have mercury poisoning).

  14. Lingering colds given to you by your roommate.

  15. The loss of my voice immediately prior to an audition. (Although mimes are very popular nowadays).

  16. When I don't get my Hop fries (ok, I'm a petty bastard).

  17. Mp3s that are screwed up. (Some of them literally sound like broken records ... i.e. Paul Simon's famous "Me and Julio -- me and Julio -- me and Julio --me and Julio --").

  18. People who complain about people complaining.

  19. The Kooky Kapitalist.

  20. Speeding cars that don't realize we always have the right of way.

  21. Editorials that aren't funny.

  22. My editorials.

  23. Dirty shower totes.

  24. Egg Donor Ads. "We are a loving couple looking for an egg donation by an intelligent, 195+ IQ woman with a ten-second mile, fluency in eight languages and 36-22-30 measurements."

  25. Soda machines that rob you.

  26. The furry moose mascot with the word "Powerbar" plastered all over his body -- he's a sellout. The inflatable moose could kick his ass any day.

  27. Stupid movies that are classified as "art" -- "Taxi Driver" and "Pi" come to mind.

  28. Long lists.

  29. Staying up all night and not getting anything done.

  30. "I believe in miracles ... where you from, you sexy thing?"

  31. People who score higher than me on tests.

  32. Girls who fall for the wrong guys.

  33. The wrong guys.

  34. One-ply toilet paper.

  35. When your voice cracks while you're saying something witty or intelligent.

  36. Bike people.

  37. People who have never heard of my residence hall -- Woodward.

  38. False advertising, shady companies, shifty deals, Publisher's Clearing House.

  39. Coughing right after someone else has.

  40. Classes that never end.

  41. People who don't flush.

  42. Graphing or plotting anything.

  43. Showers that abruptly become hot and give you third-degree burns.

  44. Stepping out of the dorm shower and realizing the window's wide open.

  45. Air-borne illnesses.

  46. People who put apostrophes on plural words. ("What did you do this weekend?" "I hung out with some friend's." "Some friend's what?").

  47. People who blitz me about radio shows.

  48. Cashiers who stubbornly charge items to your Discretionary account, even if you request otherwise.

  49. Neo-conservatives who degrade homosexuals.

  50. Bike people.

All right, that's about enough of that list.

Thank you for your continuing support -- I'd like to thank all the little people who got me where I am today, namely writing an incoherent editorial at three o'clock in the morning in my dorm.