I miss television.
Before coming to Dartmouth, not only did I watch more than the healthy TV recommendation, I also served as the official advocate for TV watchers. Arguing with those who told me television would "rot my mind" and "waste precious time," I stood tall, or at least sat tall, while watching bad sitcoms. TV, I told them, helps people's minds develop by being exposed to new things, but more importantly it's just really fun to watch.
Here, however, I have noticed an extreme lack of television enthusiasm. Of course, dorm rooms seem to receive only about 1.5 channels, and even with good antennae placement, they are barely watchable.
That, in combination with extreme peer pressure not to watch, has put me into severe television deprivation mode.
You see, the people I've met so far do not watch television -- ever. Some, it seems, have turned to Nintendo, but most "go running."
And this running thing is not some minor hobby -- it's a lifestyle. When the runners announce they are going to "go running," it's not a big deal to them. In fact, it's rather like saying, "I'm going to sit in that chair," or "I'm going to use the phone."
Obviously they have grown so used to this ritual they do not even realize how much quality TV they could be missing. Just the idea of putting on a little pair of shorts and a T-shirt to go outside and run aimlessly makes me feel ill.
I tried running once last year with an equally unathletic friend. We were doing all right by our standards, but were being passed by busloads of real runners, who I'm sure were laughing and pointing at our slow pace, lack of spandex outfits and non-runner strides.
In fact, we felt like such foreigners in this running world that we literally hit the ground and hid behind a bush when our school's cross-country team ran by. When my friend and I reached our turn-around spot, we took a short one-hour break to sit on the grass and talk. Then we walked home; it's too hard to talk and run and the same time.
After that afternoon, I realized how foolish I had been in suspecting running to be a more satisfying after-school experience than a good hour of mindless television.
We spend so much of our lives being smart and in shape that maybe we physically need some TV time to wind down everyday. Television may actually have some health benefits of equal weight to those received by running -- that we just haven't yet documented.
So for awhile -- pretty much throughout the duration of that extra-long orientation week -- I felt empty, TV's absence leaving a void in my life.
Then I discovered the solution to my problem, and I highly recommend it to all other TV withdrawal sufferers: I decided to just pretend I was a character from a television show.
So, obviously I picked Elaine Benes, my TV heroine from "Seinfeld" and one of the coolest people with one of the coolest jobs of anyone to ever grace the small screen. My new goal can be to move to New York, get a job as an editor for a respected publishing company and eventually go to work for a well-known catalog. Not bad.
In fact, ever since I decided to "be" Elaine, things have been falling into place naturally. I found a group of three interesting guys with whom to eat, go to movies and complain about daily disasters. One of them is even tall with fun hair and invents bizarre things to solve bizarre problems.
And conversations, particularly with my three friends, have taken on a very "Seinfeld" tone. Just today at dinner, we debated whether or not an "Angora Rabbit" exists and discussed the frequency of cavities among students here.
Now if I only had a catchy theme song -- and according to "Ally McBeal" I already should -- my void might be filled. I just might be a little crazy.
