It is quite evident that Dartmouth has plenty of activities to offer its students. On a given night, a student can catch a movie at the Hop, listen to a speaker at Rocky or even go swing dancing at Collis. There is one thing a student can't do, though. The activity, which is done by millions of Americans every night, is watching cable TV.
The College has suppressed our ability to partake in the sophomoric and mind-numbing activity of watching cable TV. I want my Cartoon Network, damn it! We all know that TV leads to obesity and a loss of social capital (You'll have to take Government 3 to understand the latter). But, cable TV has many benefits as well. It leads to creativity, relaxes the body and is often highly entertaining.
The other day, while walking across the Green, I started humming the theme song to "Greatest American Hero." "Believe it or not, I'm walkin on air. I never thought I could feel so free." I'm sure you all know it (If you don't, shame on you!). Anyway, I was humming the tune to the quintessential television show of our youth, and it turned my frown into a smile. The show dared me to dream. One day, I too could grow a blond afro and put on spandex and fly. More importantly, the show made me happy. Now, the only remnants of the show exist on the MP3 (completely legal, of course) of the theme song on my computer. When I stroll down to the lounge, I know that none of the four English speaking channels on the TV will be airing "Greatest American Hero."
The College fails to see that it is depriving us of our youth and innocence by denying us access to cable television. Is it so wrong to want to watch the Cartoon Network? Am I a bad person because I crave the visual masterpieces known as "Scooby-Doo" and "Thundercats"? If it is a crime, then I am guilty as charged. The closest thing we have to those wonderful cartoons is the NASA channel and its wonderful depiction of the NASA emblem. Now there is a mind-numbing experience.
Television is, in fact, an educational tool. I am not ashamed to say that I watch A&E's "Biography." Or rather, I watched A&E's "Biography." I believe that channel has been pre-empted by the local cable company to unveil its new channel, NASA-2, with an all-new NASA emblem. Of course there is also "Pop-Up Video" on VH-1. Granted, VH1 is a station that the lounge TVs can pick up. But, I can't remember the last time I went into somebody's room here and watched that channel. For that matter, I can't remember the last time I went into somebody's room here and didn't watch the pure visual experience of "fuzz."
Anyway, "Pop-Up Video" is the probably the most sophisticated show on television. It shows music videos, supplemented by facts about the band, the video and life in general. Did you know that the favorite shirt of Hootie and the Blowfish lead singer Darrius Rucker is a faded Dartmouth t-shirt? I highly doubt it if you are an '01, a '00 or a '99. And why is there this deficiency in essential knowledge? Because the dorm rooms aren't equipped with cable.
I guess Austin Powers summed it up best when he said, "Throw me a frickin' bone here." All I want is a little cable and some cartoons. And I'll be damned if I'm going to wait until next fall for my cartoons. So students, think back to the days when you were young, and you didn't even know what the word "capitalism" meant, and BlitzMail wasn't even invented yet. Recapture your youth by begging the administration for cable this winter. And maybe, just maybe, they'll give you a Scooby snack in the form of cable TV. One last "Scooby-Dooby Doooo" for the road.