Valentine's Day is but 128 days from now, and so I would like to dedicate this column to you, love of my life, Collis Omelette Lady.
I still remember the day my eyes first gazed upon you as you busily made omelettes in Collis. You wiped the frying pan, sprayed on the butter in an aerosol can (You didn't want my omelette to stick! Thank you!) and said, "What do you want on your omelette?"
"Ham, mushrooms and tomatoes," I believe I said. The truth is I really can't remember. I was lost in rapture. You make omelettes, I thought. I love omelettes! I love you!
My love for omelettes goes back as far as I can remember. Many were the happy weekend mornings in my youth when I would wake up and prepare myself a giant feast of egg, vegetables and melty cheese. But my weekend omelette making endeavors always lacked something. I always dreamed of finding that special someone who would so perfectly cook the egg, add the filling and deftly flip the whole concoction onto a (compostable) paper tray.
But now that I've met you, omelette lady, all is well. Any morning of the week I can walk into Collis and ask you for one of your marvelous omelettes. But I never ask in a tone possessing anything less than the full reverence you deserve. Many other students, when they request one of your masterpieces, do not remember the "people pleasers," such as "thank you," that they should have learned in first grade. "Cheese, spinach and onion," they might say, sometimes even venturing to use a somewhat impertinent tone of voice. I always want to pull them aside and say, "You fools! If you offend the omelette lady and she leaves, where will I get my omelettes! She is an artist! Damn you!"
But I am always exceedingly polite when I ask for one of your breakfast delights. I see how harried you are, cooking omelettes for half the campus. You must make a hundred of them an hour! Even at the bargain price of $3.50 each, that is a lot of money you generate for the evil corporate empire that is Collis Cafe.
Do they pay you at least half of what each of those omelettes costs, or do they try to put an hourly figure on your work? Michaelangelo did not paint the Sistine chapel ceiling by the hour, people! Those bastards who run Collis. They don't recognize your genius, omelette lady!
I am glad to see you are applying your talents to additional media. I have not had the chance to admire your work in other culinary areas, but other people notice. My roommate says that you make "a mean vegetarian tofu stirfry," and I do not doubt this for a second. He also says that he prefers the "extra-firm" variety of tofu (seriously), so if the evil Collis overlords allow you some say in the materials with which to work your art, tell them "extra-firm tofu for Andrew."
Speaking of your artistic supplies, what is up with those peppers and mushrooms they buy for the omelettes? And that special frying pan lube in a spray-can they used to make you use! Yucky! They taint the genius of your work with their corporate whore parsimony. Let them know it will not be stood for! Allow the omelette lady the proper materials, and heaven and earth shall converge between a layer of fluffy egg, doubt not, o ye of little faith!
Do not be dissuaded by the philistines, Collis-employed and otherwise, who cannot fathom the earthly perfection of your art, omelette lady. Many of us appreciate you and the warm mounds of love wrapped in egg that you prepare for us.
Happy 128 days before Valentine's Day!
