If there is one thing that has captured the attention and imagination of the American public over the last few months, it would have to be the chase to break Roger Maris' single-season baseball home run record of 61, and who would be the man to perform the feat first: Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa or President Clinton? Unfortunately, the President was right out from the very beginning, because, according to Kenneth Starr, he could only get to third base. That left just Sosa and McGwire to chase the record, although I trust Starr's statistics about as far as I could throw Monica Lewinsky.
All of the surrounding controversy still has not deterred the American public from watching intently every single move of Sosa and McGwire over the last several months, which has undoubtedly made both of them very uncomfortable when utilizing the facilities. "Can't we get any privacy around here?" I am sure the two sluggers have asked on a number of occasions. "Well, if you are going to stay, at least bring a magazine or something," I am sure would naturally follow.
Being ever unwavering in its undeterredness, the American public has even embraced McGwire's use of a controversial performance-enhancing supplement known as androstenedione (pronounced: STER-oid), which one reporter just "happened" to find while snooping around McGwire's locker. When asked what he was doing snooping around his locker in the first place, the reporter quickly fled through an open window. Although most cannot fathom how a national hero could abuse a harmful substance purely for personal gain and truly believe that McGwire's biceps are naturally predisposed to be roughly the size of prehistoric flying mammals, there are those baseball purists, who, if the season were to end today (which technically it can't, because it has already ended), would lobby to have the final home run statistics as follows:
Sosa -- 66
Androstenedione -- 70
McGwire -- 0.
(Note: For Clinton's final stats, we will have to wait for all high school students in Washington to complete their "How I Spent My Summer" assignments.)
All of this talk about President Clinton and Mark McGwire is not to take anything away from Sammy Sosa. What takes away from Sammy Sosa is that he is just not interesting. He also plays in Chicago, a far cry from the bustling metropolis of McGwire's Saint Louis, which year after year leads the National League in number of spectator deaths due to corn.
If all of the aforementioned controversy wasn't enough, and it really wasn't enough to fill an entire 800 words, luckily there have also been rumors that all of the baseballs used this season have been what's known as "juiced," which, judging by the price of juice these days, would undoubtedly have been a very expensive maneuver by Major League Baseball just to see some dumb record broken. These rumors have circulated because, according to advanced satellite technology, one of McGwire's blasts from May recently turned up on Saturn. The reports of "juiced" baseballs were easily dismissed after scientists in both Chicago and St. Louis published studies irrefutably proving that baseballs "naturally grow on all nine planets in our solar system, and even if they don't, they could very well be carried there by pigeons, so quit bothering us."
McGwire ended up with 70 home runs, while Sosa smacked 66 dingers. This means that only McGwire will go into the record book, and the American Public will suddenly cease to care, because football season is here. What is ironic is that while McGwire broke Maris' record before Sosa, and therefore garnered tremendous accolades and fanfare for days on end, Sosa, when he broke the record, got only a complimentary bag of Doritos from the concession stand. Sometimes it's so easy to be overlooked when one is making 50 bazillion dollars per year.
Three men chasing one record, and in the end, none of them a clear-cut winner. McGwire and Sosa hit in turn; the President hit interns. The former two are locked up with long-term contracts, and while Clinton's deal is up after next year, many Americans, obviously elated by his recent success, are calling for him to re-sign.
As an aside, I say we bring back John F. Kennedy. He would blow all three contenders out of the water -- that boy could really hit home runs. Sports and politics aren't as different as one might think.
