Spring is on its way. Love is in the air; people are dating. Men usually date women younger than them. A friend of mine is dating a younger woman now. She's actually a lot younger then him. She's a fetus. He moved into the womb with her. It's a studio apart-womb, with a half bath. $350 a month. They're getting evicted soon. In about eight months.
I have to admit that I'm still shy when it comes to talking about dating and especially intimacy. That's why I could never go to a marriage counselor. I couldn't talk about my intimate sexual problems (not that I have any) with my wife and a complete stranger.
I'd be trying to describe them in terms like, "Well, basically I think I get nervous when ... we're ... you know. And there's her ... you know ... woman area and my man thing, and we're, you know, doing things and whatnot." I'd turn into a Neanderthal man, just trying to draw out little stick figure diagrams and acting things out with my hands.
Some people talk about their intimacy problems with their priest. It's probably not your best bet to ask sex advice from someone who's taken a vow of chastity. Surprisingly, he may not have as many good pointers as you'd think.
I'm a little nervous about marriage. I do like the idea of getting married, though. The night before the wedding, the groom goes out with his friends to drink and go to strip clubs. Which means the last thing a man thinks about before the special loving moment of his wedding is passing out drunk and paying naked women to dance. That's a big transition. The priest says, "You may now kiss the bride," and the groom is like, "Yeah, sure, how much is body contact gonna cost? What if she just dances, and I don't touch her? Is that cheaper?"
My question is this -- strippers get married, right? So it's conceivable the groom and his friends could go to a strip club the night before the wedding, and actually see his bride up on stage dancing naked. That must be a pretty special moment.
Then after the wedding, you have the wedding party. Notice that they put the part of the wedding with the dancing after the ceremonies have been finalized. That's so you can't back out of the marriage when you see how bad a dancer your spouse actually is. They're out there kicking, flailing their elbows, looking like a Bruce Lee kung fu movie, and you're thinking, "Man, I should have married that stripper from last night, at least she could dance."
I think what would take a lot of the pressure out of getting married is if there were some sort of marriage warranty. You could have 30 days to be in the marriage, and if at that time you are no longer satisfied, you can back out of the marriage with no extra charge. That would take all the pain out of getting divorced. People with their lawyers would be in court saying, "Your Honor, at the time of marriage, my client was unaware that the spouse danced like an angry baboon. The marriage is still under warranty, however, so my client should be free to leave."
If I ever do get married, I want to take my honeymoon in Walt Disney World. I'm serious. I always have a good time at Epcot Center, the international theme park. I like to dress up as a customs guard and stand at the entrance to the American Pavilion. When anyone tries to cross the border, I act like an angry immigration officer, slapping them and threatening a full body cavity search. "C'mon, you little punks! You think you can just walk right into the American Pavilion with that cotton candy? You make me sick!" Little kids start crying, the parents are outraged, it takes about 20 minutes for Walt Disney security to show up. When they do, I just flee across the border into the Canadian Pavilion.
The international pavilions in Epcot are always happy. This is because Walt Disney World is supposed to be "the happiest place on Earth." The real world is never internationally happy; people hate each other. They should add more realistic pavilions. Get rid of the Pavilion for France and add something with a Third World Shanty Town flavor, "Hey kids, let's check out the Pavilion of the Separatist Guerrilla Fighters! Or we could take a rest at the U.N.-Controlled Safe Area."
Hey, thanks for reading, you've been great ...