Short men really have it tough. I have a friend who is really short. Most of the time he complains about his height because he sees taller, stronger guys with beautiful women. Small men just want to have that same magical social allure of tall men.
This reminds me of the tales my father used to tell me before bedtime. I think it would be helpful for the short men of the world to hear these stories. My father's epic legends were always about the world called Udateus. Udateus was a place of peace at times, of war at others -- there were frequent coup d'etats and revolution and excitement energized the air. Everything was free in Udateus, the Olympic-sized nude bubble baths were always packed with activity and the federally funded food court was full of people sharing their most recent deep intellectual thoughts.
What made Udateus unique was that it was a land run by women. Not just women, but extremely tall and sexy women. The founding foremothers of the United Udateus Republic had set the political realm so that it was decided based on height. The tallest woman that could be found became the leader of the land, her word was supreme law, and every four years the TWA (Tall Women Army) would scour the land for anyone taller than the current leader. If anyone was found then she ascended to power, and the old leader was forced to resign, drowning in riches and fame.
At some point in Udateus history, the process of choosing a leader was altered. Some Udateians believed that it began with President Monroe, others think after her with President McCarthy, but regardless of when things changed, the changes affected everything from politics to pop culture. President Monroe married a man that was five feet six inches tall -- Michael Owen Monroe became the smallest First Man in the Udateian record books.
Until this time, the size of a man only mattered between men, but generally all men were pushed from the important stations of life and were left to wander the streets helplessly during the day in search of what little pleasure they could find.
Small men always got the short end of the stick when fending for themselves, and to have First Man Monroe to look at as a model gave them hope. Little did they know what lay ahead.
As decades passed, and more Presidents were found in the traditional manner, an unprecedented trend began to develop. The First Men became shorter and shorter until finally the TWA could not pick only the tallest woman, even though she was obviously the most qualified for the job, but rather the Army had to look also for the shortest man.
Even in the tiniest of towns, when the Army marched in to the main streets, women would come running out of their houses carrying their husbands on their shoulders in order to show how compact he actually was. The First Man position had no actual political strength, but it had become an icon for small men throughout the world of Udateus.
All of the short men of Udateus remember the live television broadcast of First Man Johnson, who had tears welling up in his eye, as he kissed the bulbous pregnant stomach of his wife without kneeling. There was so much pride taken in the new tradition of short First Men that the Army feared a potential revolutionary riot if the First Man was not short enough.
Eventually all of the beautiful tall women of Udateus wanted short men for their husbands. It became a common scene to see fist fights break out in smoke filled bars over who was going to buy the shortest guy a drink and maybe get a chance to take him home that night. The big men had to sit and watch as guys who were five feet tall set all the male clothing fads.
Eddie Shortlove's album "I am only 4'6," but I Can Dance" brought three songs to the top of the charts. His live concerts were spectacles of women screaming and attempting to climb on stage only to be removed by the 4'3" bouncers, and professional basketball was required to rethink its most basic strategies. The limbo was revived as the highest form of party entertainment, and tall men were forced to sit in the corner resigned to their awkwardness.
I remember my father always ended his stories with this statement. He said, "Danny, when you go to school tomorrow and the big kids pick on you, or perhaps that girl won't look your way, remember that the shortest Udateus First Man was only 3'9" tall, and he had class." I love my dad for his stories, and I hope all short men can learn a similar lesson that I have from the world of Udateus.
