Since we didn't manage to cover very many departments in last week's column, here's a few more because I love you '99s so darn much!
RUSSIAN: There's nothing like Tolstoy, Turgenev and Dostoevsky to make you suicidal in a jiffy. However, Russian is one of the world's most fascinating languages, as both its verbal speech and its orthography place an emphasis on nouns and verbs.
DRAMA: A few erstwhile techies within the department have suggested changing this major's name to Melodrama, in honor of some of its more, shall we say, "demonstrative" members. As Konstantin Stanislavsky -- or perhaps Steve Guttenberg -- once observed about great acting, "It's got a little to do with talent, but mostly it's a loud voice and a cute butt."
COMPARATIVE LITERATURE: As the old reliable ORC will tell you, this department won't be offering any courses until the year 2002. Most of those courses, however, will have rather exciting titles, such as "Waugh and Morrison: Where Postmodernism Smashes Like A Dead Fish Into Modernism," and "Bisexual Sri Lankan 1960's Snuff Films, From A Neo-Marxist Perspective."
SPANISH: One of the most widespread languages in the world. Unlike many languages, Spanish includes both nouns AND verbs.
HISTORY: Those who fail to remember the past are condemned to repeat it; however, since they failed to remember it in the first place, they will have no idea that they've repeated it. Consequently, this is a stupid maxim.
PSYCHOLOGY: My Psych 1 professor, bless his dear heart, really put this department in perspective for me my sophomore summer: "I'm here at Dartmouth to do research ... I don't really care about this class." Plus, the seven categories of emotion, and other misguided attempts to make life into geometry.
ECONOMICS: I'm not even going to bother with sarcasm on this one. This is simply the dullest subject matter humanity ever conceived of -- major at your own risk.
ITALIAN: With curricula ranging from "Nouns" to "Verbs," this major has it all.
ENGLISH: "Okay, so John Skelton, John Milton and John Donne all walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'So what'll it be, boys?' Skelton orders a rum-n'-coke, Milton orders a Harvey Wallbanger -- no, wait, Skelton orders the Wallbanger, Milton asks for a fuzzy navel -- or is that Donne's drink? Well, anyway, the punchline's this: you only have to write two papers a term and NO FINAL EXAM."
COMPUTER SCIENCE: The major at Dartmouth that most closely approximates trade school. If you give this major your all, you'll find yourself with, by far, the most enticing job offers come senior spring. Of course, everyone will hate you for it.
CHINESE: Nouns and verbs, both in and out of sensible shoes.
MATH AND SOCIAL SCIENCES: Many Dartmouth students are unaware of the storied history of this "special" major. A few years ago Dartmouth's student body became bored with the standard major selections. To resolve this tricky dilemma, the faculty decided to invent a new major. They threw a bunch of different major names into a hat, picked two out at random, and voila! the Math and Social Sciences major. Coming soon: the Math and Arabic major, the Math and Women's Studies major, and the Math and Mathematics major.
ANTHROPOLOGY: In theory, a major focusing on the study of humanity from social, cultural, and analytical perspectives should be fascinating. However, even Levi-Strauss would own up to the fact that theory and practice are often completely divergent, at least at Dartmouth.
MUSIC: "Why are there so many songs about rainbows, and what's on the other side ..."
EARTH SCIENCES: Once again, sarcasm aside: even duller than the Economics major.
ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES: Oh Gaia, oh Eco-Mother of the Supple Savannah and the Moist and Dainty Rainforests, let us not pollute your azure oceans and periwinkle ponds with our stinking, wretched, awful, evil, spawn-of-Satan capitalist corporate excrescence. Forgive us our trespasses, oh Protector of the Wombat, oh Guardian of the Fickle Fruitfly. "Hey, dude, I think the dog ate your last pair of mulch boxer shorts ..."
PHILOSOPHY: "Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable ..."
FRENCH: Unfortunately, no nouns or verbs in this language. Strange. I asked a good friend of mine (also a French major) to describe it a little, and she responded with the following incisive commentary:
"Well, I mean, it's indicative of ... whatever."
And there you have it. Remember, fair sophomores, these words of wisdom as you continue your perilous journey into the dense, noisome underbrush that is the Dartmouth undergraduate education.
